꩜ moe eyes
JUNE 7, 2026 + #sketchbook #aesthetic
命 格 孤 煞
FATE IS SOLITARY
JUNE 7, 2026 + #music #asexual #sa #jirai #notebook
꒰"TOUCH ME, PLATONICALLY, AND THOUGHTFULLY" ꒱ ♬
i had a nice dream last night after drinking
i dreamed that i was out drinking with my friend
i got so sleepy from the alcohol and i fell asleep
i hugged her and then fell asleep, falling forward
she helped take care of me and took me with her
it made me so happy to be taken care of
i really like to be taken care of
and not for my sexual value
i just really want to be loved in a platonic way
i've become so used to being discarded as soon as i lose my sexual value
i want to be loved for who i am and not my sexual value
i want to be touched in a way that's not sexual but rather gentle and caring
i just want to retreat into a soft embrace and stay there to feel safe
i really like having a friend who cares about me
it makes me so happy
JUNE 7, 2026 + #plural #jirai #aesthetic
i had fun tonight ✮
finished 2 bottles of soju ~
i feel so happy and nice
i had fun playing a vn called 999 with my friend ~
aha
i wish i could have this much fun every day
JUNE 6, 2026 + #sui #sh #jirai
......
137 lbs this morning
i also bought more jirai coords today, we'll see if they get here in time for me to enjoy them
JUNE 5, 2026 + #sui #sh #plural #mysophobia #jirai #music #notebook
small dose of delirium every day
almost made it to a week without eating anything
i'm noticing the "other voices" are much quieter, i can barely feel their presence at all actually
i thought this was what i wanted
i'm actually kind of scared, though
is this actually what i want?
am i killing "them?"
is this how to kill the "others?"
it has only been me fronting since we last ate
it's very lonely, actually
every 20 minutes or so i drift to a floating state of semi-unconsciousness
but there's no one else, it's just a blurry, fuzzy state of nothingness
no one takes my place, i'm not watching anything, i'm not present at all,
no one is present
that scares me a little
that's not normal
usually one of the others takes my place
but there's no one, "they" are all eerily silent
i just become "empty" and there is nothing when i drift out of consciousness
i can't make out people's words or the words on a page at all
it kind of feels like that teacher from peanuts
i can vaguely hear noises and i know the shape of what's in front of me
but everything is too blurry,
it's like i'm uncontrollably fading from a dream that i was once lucid in
and then i slowly drift back to (mostly) lucid consciousness
everything feels very muted though, even while "lucid"
a headache keeps returning to bother me and my whole body aches
also i'm noticing my tinnitus feels more acute than normal
my ears start ringing and i can't hear anything else
i can't focus either
i also get cold a lot
and hot a lot
it seems like my ability to self-regulate my temperature is less stable than usual
when it's cold i feel very cold
when it's hot i feel like i'm suffocating from the heat
maybe i'm just being extremely immature
is this really what i want?
are things actually going to get better from what i'm doing?
i feel like i've exhausted every option already though, this is what's left to try
if i land myself in the hospital is that just going to make things worse for us?
i don't like IVs and all the poking and prodding they do in hospitals
and even though hospitals are supposed to be "sterile" they really don't feel that way
i don't want to be trapped in a hospital having mysterious fluids forced into me
i don't want people to touch me
but even outside of the hospital, people are still violating me
what's the difference?
it's just a different setting, different vibe
life in general violates me, the intensity just varies as time fluctuates and situations change
maybe that's why people choose quicker methods, less consequences and variables to deal with
i just feel like there is no other choice, though
at least this way, i'm a little less lucid,
everything becomes a little more fuzzy,
i feel just a little less of the grating agony of every day
living through every day feels like nails on chalkboard for me
are the "others" my "will to live?"
without them, do i have no "will to live?"
i'm so fucking stubborn though
since i've gotten this far, i need to see this through
what scares me is
i don't know "how far" is "through"
that's what scares me
i don't know when to stop
i don't even know what i'm seeking
i don't actually want to "die,"
do i?
i'm looking for some whimsical afterlife
"escapism"
i don't even know if that place really exists
i just want to be happy and be at peace
is it immature that i want to bring "them" with me to that place when i find it?
it can be our secret place, our secret garden
"somewhere only we know" ♫♪
we can hide from this dangerous place and be safe there
we can do whatever we want there, we can be truly free and unbound by life's rules
JUNE 4, 2026 + #sui #sh #plural #jirai #notebook
exploring this method
i haven't eaten anything since may 31,
so i've almost made it to a week of fasting
i'm happy, i feel very light
the less i eat the lighter i feel
i've been looking around a lot online to try and educate myself more on starvation as well
apparently there was a guy who survived a year of starvation,
but his body weight was also unusually high when he started fasting
and he also still drank coffee and drinks
there are other cases where people are able to survive for a long time
usually their body weights are higher though when they start the fast
this might mean i have less time since i'm at an average weight (140 lbs)
i also haven't been eating regularly since january so my weight has been steadily dropping
i still drink coffee and alcohol so maybe this will also prolong my time a bit
apparently the main dangers/killers for starvation
are refeeding syndrome and possible heart attacks/organ failures
it would be ironic to die of a heart attack
that would really signify the final destruction of my "heart" aha
it's been broken already for so long
heart attacks seem to always be a convenient excuse for death
"they died of a heart attack"
there are no more details given,
it's just a simple cause, it's an accidental death, unintentional
it makes me wonder what led up to wowaka's death
there was more to the story, wasn't there?
i just really don't want food forced down my throat
let me explore this route, i want to see how it is
another part of me worries maybe i'll lose the sense of control
what if i accidentally die prematurely and i don't find what i'm seeking ever?
i just need to be careful and maintain control
the others are quieter, probably from the exhaustion
i just want to tiptoe along the edge, gracefully
and then i'll decide if i come back or not
which side is preferred?
i will find the answer
and safeguard that answer
that answer will be mine
JUNE 3, 2026 + #music
JUNE 3, 2026 + #sh #aesthetic
......
JUNE 3, 2026 + #yugioh
JUNE 3, 2026 + #sui #sh #sa #jirai #plural
fuck this (life)
"smoking is bad, don't smoke"
"cutting is bad, don't cut"
"compulsions are bad, don't enable your compulsions"
"starving yourself is bad, don't starve yourself"
fucking hell what the fuck am i supposed to do then
i'm literally suffering and even over-the-counter pain killers don't work anymore
i need to not feel this, it's too much
it feels like life is just raping me over and over again
please stop.
i'm trying so desperately to just survive the next day
and then it's the next day, and the next, and over and over again
i don't want to do this anymore
yeah maybe that's selfish
but life has been so selfish.
life is the selfish one, sucking all my blood and lifeforce out greedily
so please, just let me be selfish?
all i want is relief
i just want to not be in so much pain anymore.
that's my wish.
even if it's just a little bit, please take some of this pain away?
i don't want to hotbox in my car but what other choice do i have?
every day the smoking area is filled with people i don't know,
that's stressful for me
smoking is supposed to be my moment to relax
everyone just looks down on me disapprovingly, they probably smell the cigarettes on me
"one of those kinds of people"
i have tried so many coping mechanisms
at least these get me some temporary relief
"have you tried exercise? stress relief techniques like breathing exercises?"
why the fuck do you think i've resorted to these methods?
because all of that is too fucking vanilla now, it doesn't do anything anymore
it's a constant progression of needing to intensify the dosage of "relief"
entropy?
"heat death" theory?
i've tried so many things
at first i tried to change jobs
i reached out to lots of people, tried to network, tried to get a new job
maybe it's just my job right?
dead end, there's no way out, no one wants me
and now maybe i think nowhere would be better
i don't even want to go back to school anymore
before i was so motivated, i almost enrolled in art school
that was my dream as a kid so i thought that's what i wanted
then i realized it would financially drain me
and education is mostly a scam
i don't want to go and sit in a classroom for hours to listen to lectures
that aren't even relevant to real life
i don't want to let homework consume my precious free time and dictate the direction of my life
i also went to HR, i complained a lot
and they just tried to tell me "it would get better," "they would look into it"
a year later, no change
things have only gotten worse
now even my HOA feels like it's working against me
construction all the time, little privacy, they threw my plants into what looked similar to body bags......
meanwhile everyone just expects more out of me, every day there's something new
make it stop. please stop expecting things from me.
i've tried changing the cycle but the cycle refuses to change,
so i just have to push harder until it breaks.
and one of the most heart-breaking things,
when i finally open up and talk to someone,
they just want to fill my head with their own headcanons about who i am
no one believes that i'm plural, that i hear voices, that i'm not "myself" all the time
i was terrified and i had no idea what was happening to me
and as soon as i looked for guidance,
i was dismissed and told that i "must just be stressed," i "must just be dissociating"
no one fucking listens.
i don't need other people, fuck them.
they don't even try to remotely understand me.
i've tried to open up to let them gain understanding,
and then i'm just met with dismissiveness
a pat on the head and a "it'll get better"
it's only gotten exponentially worse,
and at a rapid pace too
if i accidentally die before i intend to,
just know that all of you put me in a cage.
you fucking trapped me.
and i screamed with my weak, small voice as loud as i could.
but you didn't let me out.
i wanted out.
i desperately need to maintain control
if i slip one of "them" is going to take control, probably her
and she'll definitely be a "glut" (glutton) and ruin my fasting streak
when i eat i feel unwell
nausea
the extra calories make me much more anxious and i crash out
i need to stay in control
i'm scared i'm going to slip and lose control
i must not do that, i must stay lucid enough to stay in control
i need to see this through as far as possible until i edge death
this is my preferred method
if i can't handle this, i'll have to try another method
and i really don't want to do that
i've been meaning to vent these past few days but i've been so exhausted
this is the most i can say for now, i guess
JUNE 2, 2026 + #jirai #makeup #aesthetic
look my hair looks really long
actually it's a little longer since i'm wearing twintails
JUNE 2, 2026 + #jirai #makeup #aesthetic
JUNE 2, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #makeup #aesthetic
JUNE 2, 2026 + #jirai #makeup #aesthetic
JUNE 2, 2026 + #music #sui #notebook
"gate openerz" ♡ (^ _ ^ ♪)
this song has a special place in my heart
i wonder if this is what it will feel like when i finally cross the threshold over into the afterlife
"opening the gates"
JUNE 1, 2026 + #jirai #aesthetic
