命格孤煞 BLOG

SEPTEMBER 7, 2026 + #sui #music

SEPTEMBER 7, 2026 + #sui #jirai #notebook

if we weren't afraid of death

wouldn't it seem much more appealing?

if we could remove the fear, death would be much less unappealing

isn't the only reason why we don't want to die is because we're afraid?

SEPTEMBER 6, 2026 + #sui #plural #jirai #notebook

i feel hollow

i've been doing all these things that are supposed to make me happy

and "i" (clara) smile and laugh

but "i" (alice) just feel nothing

i feel a void where there's supposed to be emotion and feeling

i know i'm supposed to be feeling happy

but i just don't

i just feel nothing

i just want to go to sleep, maybe eternally

i'm so tired of everything

SEPTEMBER 6, 2026 + #plural #jirai #notebook

i can't help but want to be alone with myself

i keep thinking of that therapy exercise i did at the psych ward

where i visualized my ideal lifestyle

i was alone in my very own apartment

i can't help but just want to be alone, honestly

when i'm around others i can't hear "myself," there's too much noise

i just need to talk to myself

i need to get to know myself better

that's really the most important thing

SEPTEMBER 6, 2026 + #jirai #makeup #aesthetic

afternoon tea in the city 𓆩♡𓆪 it was really nice

i had a black tea called buckingham palace

with milk and three sugar cubes, of course

subcul afternoon tea

SEPTEMBER 6, 2026 + #jirai #makeup #aesthetic

i got very overstimulated today and i forgot to take my meds

i was so focused on my pien make

i got lots of compliments on my coord today

it made me happy because all the compliments were from girls

ଘ(੭*ˊᴗˋ)੭*

i never used to want to go out in a complete jirai coord before

i don't really like drawing attention to myself

while i was at the rehab center though i met this girl who wore alt clothes and thick eyeliner every day

honestly she inspired me, seeing people compliment her and talk to her

i always thought i would be stigmatized for making my subculture obvious

because that's how it was years ago when i wore subculture things out and about

but ever since getting out of rehab i really don't care anymore

i'm alive and i'm going to live how i want and wear things i want

SEPTEMBER 5, 2026 + #plural #sh #ed #jirai #notebook

i refuse to be "on a leash"

i know i just got out of a treatment center but i feel rebellious

i hate being monitored and controlled

i want to live how i want to live, that's selfish isn't it?

i'm actually just causing pain to others by my actions, aren't i?

i still want to make myself bleed, get drunk, chain smoke, and restrict until i'm under 130 lbs

that's how i want to live but i'm sharing this same body with different people

why is it problematic how i want to live?

i want to do dangerous things so i feel alive

i just feel so hollow even after the "good things"

i check off all these bucket list items yet i still feel empty, not alive, just vaguely present

this is all supposed to make me happy but the dopamine hits don't last long enough

SEPTEMBER 5, 2026 + #plural #aesthetic #jirai

alice + clara + luna

i bought another blind box of the same variety today at an ice cream shop

i thought it would be cute to have three of the same variety

it reminds me of "us" (three)

i had the idea of giving us arbitrary names

since when i was in therapy and explaining my plurality the psych providers were always confused

apparently it's really confusing for people to differentiate between "us" without distinct names to tell "us" apart

so why not just do this

the dolls' names here are alice, clara, and luna

i'll be alice like the main character from alice's adventures in wonderland

i'll be clara like clara from hsr

and i'll be luna like luna from pgr, even though luna from pgr is more like "her" ("alice")

SEPTEMBER 5, 2026 + #jirai #aesthetic

rewatched madoka magica again today ★ ★ ★ (for the third time)

madoka magica coord

SEPTEMBER 4, 2026 + #jirai #aesthetic #plural

i got a happy meal toy

cute

૮ ྀིᴗ͈ . ᴗ͈ ྀིა

SEPTEMBER 4, 2026 + #jirai #aesthetic #plural

opening blind boxes !

they are so freaking cute

૮꒰ྀི∩ ́ ᴗ `∩꒱ྀིა

SEPTEMBER 4, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #plural

you can never have too many kuribohs

look at them they are so adorable

૮꒰ྀི∩ ́ ᴗ `∩꒱ྀིა

SEPTEMBER 4, 2026 + #music #ed #jirai

"cyberse sage" ━☆*:・゚✧ ♪ ̊♬゚。

this song was on repeat in my head while i was in treatment

SEPTEMBER 4, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #plural #food

i touched grass today ★ ! ૮꒰ྀི∩ ́ ᴗ `∩꒱ྀིა

"she" drove "us" to honolulu today

"we" went to ala moana center and did a lot of shopping

in chronological order, we went to:

brug (for a strawberry buttercream pastry + iced soy milk latte)

zumiez (for clothes)

claire's (for earrings)

hot topic (for clothes + earrings)

miniso (for blind boxes + organizers)

the alley cafe (for a strawberry yogurt mochi smoothie)

we came back with many bags of cute things, it was fun ★ !

we also got some snacks and drinks while we were out

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

SEPTEMBER 4, 2026 + #plural #jirai #notebook

i got blackout drunk last night ?

i had drinks last night for the first time since june while rewatching yugioh abridged

i don't remember how far we watched and i don't remember going to bed

i woke up around 4 am on the wrong side of the bed and i was so confused

it's really rare for me to get blackout drunk

and i only had three drinks apparently

apparently i asked for more but was stopped with three

maybe it's a combination of the meds i'm on and the fact that i haven't drank anything in a few months

i was so surprised and confused, what a weird experience

i woke up with a hangover headache and stomachache

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

SEPTEMBER 3, 2026 + #plural

i won these new plushies at a claw machine

i won new pokemon plushies!

H O M E C O M I N G

SEPTEMBER 2, 2026

i'm back bitches. i'm alive. bitches is me.

this is my second attempt at life

everything feels so surreal

i feel like i'm living on borrowed time

this time i'm going to do whatever the fuck i want to do

i have a lot of updates to make.

i journaled throughout my time at the hospital, psych ward, and rehab center

i'll work on updating everything but idk how long it will take

i'll just edit this post when i'm finished updating everything

wow this is crazy i'm alive and breathing and i'm back Home

and not at a locked facility with a tracker on me

SEPTEMBER 2, 2026 + #aesthetic #jirai #sh #sketchbook

i designed my own tattoos

to celebrate coming Home i got some new tattoos done

i sketched the ideas in my sketchbook and showed them to the tattoo artist

he traced my lines and then altered the heart with wings design in his own art style so that it fit behind my ear

it felt so nice to get the buzzing feeling on my wrists again, almost like cvtting

maybe i'll have to visit the tattoo parlor whenever i get the urge since now i'm being watched

the tattoo artist and i talked about morbid things like near death experiences and having fucked mental health

i'm so happy with my new tattoos, it feels like a rite of passage for my homecoming

cool tattoo designs (taking notes for the future)

SEPTEMBER 2, 2026 + #yugioh #food

kuriboh has a hedgehog cake pop from starbucks

SEPTEMBER 2, 2026 + #aesthetic #yugioh

kuriboh is on the plane in arizona waiting to go HOME

SEPTEMBER 2, 2026 + #food #ed #sui #jirai #yugioh

i like peanut butter m&ms

last night before i finished packing i asked for candy from the diet tech

i filled a little dish with peanut butter m&ms and some other m&ms

the diet tech looked at the dish and said, "you're going to have THAT much......?"

i thought to myself wow i want to kms now

i had half the m&ms that time

when i was in the airport though i got these peanut butter m&ms

i had the entire package, fuck them

i do whatever i want now

I'M GOING HOME~! ₍₍⚞(˶˃ ꒳ ˂˶)⚟⁾⁾

SEPTEMBER 2, 2026 + #ed #jirai #yugioh

i'm in the car and finally going HOME

today is going to be a high dopamine rush

kuriboh is in the car and going HOME!

SEPTEMBER 2, 2026 + #music #jirai

"i'm gonna show you crazy" ♪ !

SUMMER
2026