MAY 9, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
命 格 孤 煞
FATE IS SOLITARY
MAY 8, 2026 + #music
"nev3r_end1ng" ࣪˖ ִ. 𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋.
(:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅)
MAY 8, 2026 + #music
𓆩♡𓆪 𓆩♡𓆪
MAY 6, 2026 + #sui #sa #sh #plural #jirai #notebook
i want to be held tight, i want to be held so closely
and not in a possessive, lustful way
i want to be caressed with genuine tenderness
i want to be listened to, and to actually be understood
i don't want you to just tell me you understand just to soothe me
i want you to actually understand,
i want you to intimately know my suffering, my pain
i want to shake you violently, i want to wake you up from this elaborate fantasy you've created about me
it's like nobody can hear me, like i'm already dead, already a ghost to this world
of course it's because i didn't cry out loud enough, my voice isn't loud enough
of course it will be because i didn't cut deep enough
｀、ヽ｀ヽ｀、ヽ｀、ヽ｀ヽ｀、ヽ｀、ヽ｀ヽ｀、ヽ｀、ヽ｀ヽ｀、ヽ｀、ヽ
i'm always too soft and gentle when it comes to those i care about
i want you to understand that i am suffering, i am slowly suffocating, i don't know how much longer i can take this
i want to be embraced so closely,
i want to hold on tight to you and cry all my tears out until i have nothing left to offer you
MAY 6, 2026 + #music #notebook
"language of the lost" ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈⭒♬ ﾟ.
MAY 6, 2026 + #sui #mysophobia #hikikomori #ocd #plural #jirai #notebook
......
i want to kill myself
everything just keeps repeating over and over again
this is torture
the pain never stops
there is no relief, is there?
i don't want to suffer any more, please make it stop, i'm begging you
stop this pain somehow that's been haunting me with increasing violence and cruelty
what have i been waiting for? is there anything even waiting for me other than death?
a soft snuffing out of a candle, the soft caress of death and a life that's barely flickering
i feel like a bird that has been tirelessly flying around the world looking for a safe place to nest
only to come upon the realization that there is no "safe place" that exists in this mortal realm
"take these broken wings and learn to fly"
but i already know how to fly with these broken wings,
i've been flying for so long in a state of suffering, struggling to survive
i feel like
my suffering keeps getting closer and closer to the point of death
a bird can't keep flying forever with broken wings
i held myself back christmas of 2024
maybe i should have just downed the entire bottle
i hesitated
things have only gotten progressively worse
when we woke up i was fronting
it was a the start of a good day
and then i couldn't help, i'm sorry
we went to the bathroom and suddenly we were terrified, all of us
"i" thought i heard gunshots and shouts
we hid in the bathroom, panicking
it sounded so acutely real
the "gunshots" kept sounding off
"my" ears were ringing
but the "gunshots" were really just the slamming of doors in the distance,
mundane everyday noises
we only realized when another girl entered the bathroom
our knees suddenly started shaking involuntarily
i compulsively whispered a prayer six times
i'm not even religious anymore but i don't know what else to do
no...... we can't die like this
this isn't the
perfect ending
we imaginedi must be the one to control my fate, it has to be me
i don't want to die in a filthy bathroom in the middle of nowhere
this is not the death i want
maybe i could at least request that they shoot somewhere that will make less of a mess
i would like my death to be as aesthetic as possible......
but then the girl just went about as usual,
washed her hands and left,
there was no air of danger
i imagined it all, didn't i
i feel like i'm losing my mind and i can't keep a good grip on it
this life is so ugly, so dirty
i'm not sure how much longer i can hang on
𓆩 the life of an artist 𓆪
MAY 4, 2026 + #music #notebook
"unknown mother goose," wowaka
MAY 4, 2026 + #jirai #notebook #yugioh
i just slept for like 17 hours
𓆩♡𓆪
MAY 3, 2026 + #sui #plural #jirai #notebook
i want to ascend to angelhood
i believe i would be much happier as an angel
unbound by earth's fickle rules
no longer trapped in this mortal torture
perhaps i could be someone's guardian angel
although i'm not sure i would be a "good" guardian angel
haha, i remember this t-shirt design that says:
"i think my guardian angel does drugs"
that would probably be me, but i'd still try my best ♡
"must've been the wind,"
they'll say,
and that's me
MAY 3, 2026 + #sui #plural #jirai #notebook
options
my preferred method right now would be starvation
i've thought about the noose and overdosing but actually a slow death would give me the most control
while there's naloxone for overdosing, there's no reversal for most other methods
once you're caught by the noose you would probably need help to get out
anything with the blade, there's no putting the blood back in your body once it drains
once you step off the ledge, unfortunately it's not possible to suddenly grow wings and fly
that's my main fear, not being in control
i would also prefer to pass away in bed, warm under blankets
so i think i'd prefer starvation
being a girl (higher levels of body fat), i'd likely have a little under a month before i go
3-4 weeks is the estimate
i could definitely accelerate the process at the end
by adding in other things like smoking, cutting, and drugs
apparently, once you reach a certain level of starvation, that's when the reversal becomes almost impossible
but there is still a higher level of control before then, compared to other methods
plus i think i'd like to experience the slow descent
watching the world slow down and become blurry around me
my lucidity would fade and then i fade away too, like a feather floating in the wind
but alas, this is just fantasy,
it just makes me feel more comfortable knowing i have options
options besides the ones that life forces me to take
i probably "couldn't do it," could i?
i would have to take it further than i've ever gone before
beyond any familiar territory
i can try flirting with death but i've never been past that edge before
"One must never pass over to the side of the double, because then the dual relation disappears, and with it all seduction."
(Simulacra and Simulation, Jean Baudrillard)
MAY 3, 2026 + #plural #jirai #notebook
hydrocodone acetaminophen
this is what i took in 2022
the drug that made me finally reach euphoria
i kept it all this time just in case i needed it again
and i finally found it
ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈ 𑁍
MAY 2, 2026 + #sui #plural #jirai #notebook
when a flower is blooming, do you think it begins to anticipate its eventual death?
MAY 2, 2026 + #sh #plural #jirai #notebook
divergent pain thresholds
an interesting observation:
it seems that "we" experience pain differently.
i was not experiencing any physical pain, or at least little to none,
but when we switched she was in a lot of pain once again
mysterious?
MAY 2, 2026 + #music
"tango suite: tango no. 3" ˚♬ (^ _ ^ ♪)
marimbas always seemed fun to play to me!
the warm, bright sound they make is really relaxing ⋆⭒˚｡⋆
MAY 2, 2026 + #plural #sui #jirai #notebook
today is a very plural day
it feels awkward to front after not fronting for quite awhile
also i feel quite acutely aware of how strange and mezzo my voice is
it makes me wonder if the vocal change is as distinct to others as it is to me
it's probably just read as a change in my mood, to be fair
anyway, i usually don't write much here, since this blog's purpose is more so for her to express herself
but she and i were discussing some things earlier and she wanted me to use my own wording to write this down here
she is quite upset right now, so we offered to front instead for her,
which is unusual because usually she wants to be in control and is happiest that way
but we don't mind, we've just been in the back for awhile, we haven't "made ourselves very useful" lately as she might say,
so i'm not sure how long i'm supposed to be fronting for, but anyway i'm here i guess and i exist
(¬‿¬)
(the other one said i should use this kaomoji)
earlier today we noticed she, the "main" one, was feeling very upset,
and she was actually willing to open up to us so we had a conversation about it
she's actually quite upset about the whole incident on social media,
and also feels overwhelmed by work,
and she does partially blame the social media incident on us,
since we did encourage her to post her things on there,
which is completely fair.
i just want her to know that it wasn't our intention at all to make her feel "laughed at" or anything negative like that.
we don't view her in a negative light and we don't believe most other people do either.
we just wanted her to feel like she could express herself,
she wanted to have her own place, so we helped her set that up and of course we encouraged her to go forward with her ideas
while we do think she can be "funny" and amusing sometimes, this doesn't subtract from the respect we feel for her
and that's not just because we live in the same body and are "forced" to, that's just looking at the situation with a level view
she isn't inherently bad like she believes she is, she's not a microcosm of every "bad," "unlikeable" trait "we" have
that's just not true, and it would be illogical to view things in such a black and white way
each of "us" has aspects that could be rated as good or poor based on the grader
that duality is not unique to her, each of "us" also has this same duality
that's just existence
for example, i feel really uncomfortable and inadequate in social situations
like today when i started fronting again i felt so uncomfortable, i didn't necessarily want to socialize and handle those interactions
even though you say that i am fine at it and that i am good at handling situations,
i don't feel that way at all,
i feel like i miss social cues and i'm not sure what the "proper response" would be in most scenarios,
i mostly just say whatever comes to mind that seems appropriate for the topic
even though you say that i should front more,
i honestly don't feel as capable as you (she) say(s) i am
she has her own traits, they can be both "bad" and "good," it just depends on how you look at it
just like any other person
she's ambivalent, and that's just natural
yes she could be called "sadistic," "feisty," etc.
but these words are not "bad," these are just possible ways to describe pieces of her essence
she's been feeling very trapped lately,
she feels the need to express herself,
so we encouraged her to start writing more on this blog, and also with social media, as long as she feels comfortable
if she no longer wants to write, then that's okay, everything should be at her own pace as necessary
any pressure she's imagining there does not exist, there is no pressure,
only freedom we are encouraging her to take
also, rest assured that we will not kill ourselves yet,
despite her feelings,
which are very valid,
but we do not completely agree with this,
at least not yet haha, she will have to do a lot more convincing
we would surely let her flirt with death and with the idea,
that's fine and well, let her explore those ideas at her leisure if she enjoys doing so,
but i believe she underestimates our own wills, and that she would have a harder time than she thinks trying to force something that extreme on us
as much as she would not like to admit it either,
i believe she cares for us at least slightly more than she lets on
she at least respects that we have differences,
despite her being a little brash and "reckless" at times
i can't see her doing something as extreme as that and completely disregarding our own wishes
we still have things we wish to do in this life, some semblance of a "bucket list"
not a super tedious and long list, we just want to write/draw our stories and make our creations
and although she's in the back right now and doesn't want to talk,
i feel some sort of disgruntled agreement from her haha
also secretly i'm kind of curious why the other one doesn't want to help front right now
i secretly wonder if it's because she wants to be there for her,
wouldn't that be cute?
anyway, i'm not so sure what i should be doing with our free time today,
i feel like if i'm too productive i might piss her off haha
maybe i'll just read or try to be helpful in whatever other ways,
then we can have an early night to get more rest
i think that's probably the best idea
MAY 1, 2026 + #sh #jirai #notebook
the other day i watched this video and i read this comment that said:
"watching you chain smoke is like watching an angel take flight,"
and that lives in my head rent-free
it's not beautiful to watch someone live in happy, perfect mediocrity
it's beautiful to watch someone exceed their limits, even and perhaps because of their own suffering induced by doing so
unfortunately i have to say i agree
when i look back at this blog and read the past entries i'm always drawn to the ones about my own suffering
all the ones that are "happy" feel obnoxious to read, too perfect, too "fake"
not sober enough
no, i really just want to induce my own suffering, push my own limits, see how far i can go,
maybe that will grow my "angel wings" and i will be able to finally "fly"
i'm obsessed with the idea of what i "can't" have, what i "can't" be
MAY 1, 2026
it's interesting that for random readers that stumble across this blog
you already know what's going to happen because you see the latest articles first and then scroll down and see the past
for me writing these i have no idea what's going to happen to me, i just write/make whatever i first think of when i sit down at the pc
i'll just put down whatever's been cycling through my mind that day
haha, i guess this is like a blog of my hyperfixations
MAY 1, 2026 + #sui #mysophobia #plural #jirai #notebook
i want to fucking kill myself
i can't stop thinking about it i can't stop thinking about it
i want to fucking die
i want to kill myself
this cycle is never-ending it just keeps repeating itself
the clock will not stop ticking
even if i could turn back time i would only end up with worse outcomes
isn't that ironic, this is the best outcome isn't it
out of all the possible outcomes, this is the best one
there is no "alternative" that's preferable
everyone is fucking laughing at me everyone is fucking laughing at me
stop fucking looking at me i don't want to exist on this plane of existence
get your vile hands away from me, stop breathing in my face
and they think i couldn't do it, they never believe me
all it would take is a little more than i thought
just a slightly higher dosage than is dangerous
there's the threshold that i know and i know i need to go much further past that, just for good measure
this life is rotten with meaninglessness
i suffer the same things every day and it never stops
i want to end me so i can finally get some peace
i really really want opioids please
they are the only thing that's ever truly given me relief
m o o d
APR. 30, 2026 + #yugioh
APR. 30, 2026 + #sh #jirai
blade shopping 🗡 🗡 🗡 🗡 🗡
lol i'm shopping for some new blades and i thought this was funny
even though i always hear that the kai razors are really sharp and "good" i don't think i'll end up using them
i'm seriously very partial to serrated blades now and the kai razors look very smooth
any blade with a smooth edge has sucked in my opinion, i don't like them
pencil sharpener blades, shaving razor blades, etc.
i'm going to keep looking for a blade with nice serrations
the current razors i like are the scunci prep facial razors that come in a 6 pack, they were like $10
but they are very shallow obviously, the blade is tiny
like seriously there is no safety risk here, this cannot seriously hurt you unless you like stabbed yourself in the eye or something bizarre
they are super super gentle and loving
after looking into it, i guess the blades are called "microguarded"
meaning they have tiny "micro" serrations
essentially the purpose is for safety i guess, which i think is funny
kai razors apparently do not have microguarded blades
apparently microguarded blades are more common for medical use as well,
like for surgical tools and such
obviously also for dermaplaning tools, facial razors, and such
i'm going to poke around and see if i can find something a little more spicy with the same kind of serrations,
we'll see if i can find something with a deeper blade
i keep thinking maybe a serrated box cutter would be nice
but i'm not sure how that would feel, since the tip is longer,
i probably wouldn't feel the serrations as quickly
it might feel too blunt,
too forceful
maybe what i should do is just buy a bunch of different blades haha
make like a "blade review" or something lol
i mean that might actually be fun
a lot of these blades aren't even that expensive
have a little blade testing party lol
who needs wine tasting as a hobby when you have blades instead
APR. 29, 2026 + #sui #sh #hikikomori #plural #jirai #notebook
......
something that i posted on social media recently blew up
it was such a nonchalant thing i posted too, just a picture i had edited i thought was kind of amusing
(the yugioh meme i made yesterday)
honestly i'm happy people liked it but damn
it spiked my anxiety so much seeing so many notifications
like i was trying to mind my business and do other things
and the notifications just wouldn't stop it just kept going off again and again
i kind of spiraled i don't really know why
even though i know i'm overreacting
for some reason getting so much attention from something makes me feel like, publicly humiliated
like look at this thing this jirai posted
everybody point and laugh at her
i don't know, i know that's probably not the case,
but i still feel so anxious
i had to log out, i really can't keep seeing the notifications
it makes me feel like i'm going to receive a bunch of hate mail or something eventually
i literally just need a bit to recover, it's a lot
it feels so overwhelming
i don't understand why all these jirais on social media pine for attention and want to become "internet angels"
or whatever
honestly this small little experience terrified me
i mean i haven't checked the notifications since this morning but
as far as i know i'm not super viral or anything
but it was definitely a lot more than usual for me and a lot at once
and i had only posted it the night before
it's really overwhelming
like just seeing the notifications continue to pop up unceasingly was
fucking terrifying
honestly that could be a form of torture
locking someone in an isolated chamber and forcing them to watch social media notifications go off for hours
i do want people to enjoy the things i make/share
honestly, i do
i really do
and i don't want to be selfish and keep stuff to myself if it might be stuff others like too
and i also want to be appreciated, but i don't really want to be the center of attention
it's terrifying getting so much attention all at once
like i have no idea what the reactions are to what i posted
it's different when i show someone in person, i can see their face, i can see their reaction and read their expression to see how they feel
but on social media
it's just numbers, just notifications, just little bubbles everywhere
unceasingly
i just imagine that they're all laughing for some reason
laughing at me
getting off to my own demise
i need a little break from social media
at least a couple days ok
i know social media is unavoidable and
i pretty much feel coerced to use it for my shop or just to be able to reach out to anyone in general
but oh my, it is not good for my anxiety
i was literally like hyperventilating earlier today
trying to stop myself from having a panic attack
and then there's the sudden onset of just wanting to stab myself over and over again
and not like the fun pleasurable kind of self-harm either but like
the kind where i need to bring myself past the tolerable threshold of pain and then go even further
like i need to ensure that i am suffering at the maximum level
i need to inflict extreme punishment on myself
like god i'm so fucking humiliating
i'm such an embarrassment for even existing
just fucking die already
APR. 29, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 29, 2026 + #music
"the jungle witch" ˚♬゚ ₊✩°｡⋆
i used to drum for amateur rock bands when i was in junior high/high school
i actually really enjoy drumming, it's nice to hyperfixate on the rhythms,
it was also nice to be the drummer because much less attention is on you personally, you can just vibe in the background
but i haven't picked up drumsticks since high school so i don't even know if i'd remember how haha
but anyway
because of that i think i tend to like music where the percussion is leading/dominant
also the album this song is from is really good as well
see you in my dreams
APR. 28, 2026 + #yugioh
APR. 28, 2026 + #sui #jirai
"don't do that, you could get in trouble!"
i'm literally suicidal lmao idgaf
APR. 28, 2026 + #yugioh #meme
APR. 28, 2026 + #sui #sh #plural #jirai #notebook
oddly positive thoughts today
i have a money tree that i care for,
and i notice that as it grows it sprouts branches chaotically
the branches just reach for wherever is best,
wherever has the best sunlight
a good analogy for how my life is
i just struggle and adjust accordingly
everything is just comprised of small habits that form my result
the branches are twisted in different directions and the result will always be chaotic
but there's something artistic about that
it will be interesting to see how the tree will end up looking
it's kind of funny that i say something so optimistic like this
earlier today i was having suicidal ideations and hyperfixating on opioids again
and i know i'm sure they'll come back soon enough again, there's no magic fix
yet, even including the morbid thoughts,
even including all of the ugly struggles
i can still see beauty in that, that's just everything
i am
accepting all of these things only helps to put together the puzzle
nothing "bad" has to be a "bad" thing,
this is just everything that i am
perhaps this is all just an interesting mystery
that will only make sense in the epilogue
APR. 27, 2026 + #music #notebook
APR. 27, 2026 + #sui #sh #jirai #notebook
i'm so conceited
why can't i just be content with living in obscurity?
i feel so vain for constantly trying to prove my existence
perhaps i'm just desperate because i feel i don't have a lot of time left
i treat everything like a time capsule that's designed to outlive my mortal body
but isn't that selfish?
wouldn't it be better if i just stopped forcing my existence onto others?
aren't i just "infecting" others with my "disease?"
but i'm just a force of nature, i can hardly stop myself
i'm desperate to keep moving, to keep developing, even at the expense of others(?)
my existence feels like a shameful thing
and the nihilism is like an ironic joke
i wish i could be a beacon of light, a good influence for others,
but that would be dishonest of me
it makes me wonder if i should leave neocities altogether and self-host on some obscure url instead,
where people won't find me
i do want to exist, and prove my honest existence, who i really am,
and not just the masks i wear on an everyday basis
but i don't necessarily want to subject others to my own misery and pain
there are 22,631 views on my neocities currently
and it makes me wonder if i caused any one of those viewers some sort of harm
i could never live with myself if so
if someone was triggered by what i share and
self-harmed because of what i said......
i really couldn't live with myself
i'm so sorry for being selfish.
i don't want to cause anyone pain.
i always think i'm self-aware but then i have moments like these
where i think i have a painfully broad blind spot i never fully realized
just pretend that this is all fiction if you're reading this,
fiction can't harm anyone.
i am but a fictitious concept, an abstract idea that simply exists
i can live with being a concept, but not a perpetrator
APR. 26, 2026 + #sh #plural #jirai #notebook
sadist/masochist switch
i always hear complaints that it hurts
but for me i don't feel any pain at all, just faint pleasure
it makes me wonder if that's because i don't cut deep enough
or if that just makes me sadistic?
or perhaps is "she" taking the pain by proxy?
i'm probably just overthinking it,
it's probably because i'm only scratching the surface
i guess there's only one way to confirm my theory, right?
APR. 26, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 25, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #meme
when the substances wear off and the existential dread hits again
APR. 25, 2026 + #sui #jirai
......
i already feel suicidal and this game is making me want to off myself even more
there's so many fucking variations to make and it's awful oh my fuck
it's not even scope creep it's just the fact that as soon as i finish a set of variations there's like
50 more (hyperbolic but)
(߹𖥦߹)
i just need to end this as fast as possible
this is
awful
my sanity level already feels dangerously low
and with every new variation/set i finish i feel less sane
i hope this is worth it and jirais like it omg
(੭ ˊ^ˋ)੭ ♡
i'm sorry for being pathetic
i will now stop complaining
APR. 25, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
why did they draw him so muscular in DSOD though hahahahahaha
donut ꩜
APR. 25, 2026 + #food #sketchbook
APR. 25, 2026 + #sui #sh #mysophobia #hikikomori #jirai #notebook
......
i had bad dreams last night
probably just an extension of my crashout yesterday over going to the convention or not
in the dream i was at an airport apparently returning back,
i was with a group (my family?) and everyone else was getting ready to board the plane
but i still didn't have my luggage for some reason?
so i went to the customer service desk to ask about my luggage
they said that my luggage was "lost"
i asked over and over again how i could get my luggage back and they just
kept saying there was "nothing they could do" and that it was probably "stolen" in transit
i started crying uncontrollably, i was so upset
it brought me back to when i lived by suitcase and i had no other belongings
but i always locked my luggage and kept it nearby? how was it possible that it was stolen?
it was like my entire existence had been stolen from me, i had nothing else
and then the rest is a blur but somehow i end up in some sort of indentured servitude situation
and i remember crying to the "supervisor" and asking "am i ugly?"
she looked at me coldly in the eyes and said "yes"
she asked why i asked that
i said it was because i always thought she looked in disgust at me
i felt unfriendly eyes on me at all times
when i woke up i paid my partner back for the convention tickets (~$200)
i think that's a clear sign i would just suffer from anxiety if i went
part of me does want to "go," but i don't really want to "go"
i'm content with just seeing what's there
hopefully someone makes a vlog of the convention and i can just watch it online
i think i'll be happier this way
i feel like such an annoyance to my partner
i feel like such a heavy burden
and now he's going to my favorite bakery to get me snacks
i'm not trying to pine for pity and gifts, honestly it just makes me feel worse
why does he want me when he could have someone much better than me?
of all the options why did he choose "me?"
maybe it's because i'm "interesting"
part of me feels like a jester in court,
i'm just there to be "entertainment," to be laughed at, to bring smiles to people's faces
at least i have some purpose there
but i also can't help but feel like an "interesting specimen"
to be used in science experiments
poked and prodded to see what will happen
honestly the thought keeps recurring to me that i am the main obstacle/problem in my partner's life
i am what needs to be exterminated for him to finally be happy
then he could move on with his life and inevitably find someone that's stable and he can have a healthy, wholesome relationship with
i'm never going to be a healthy addition to anyone's life
i'm a toxic virus that acts like cancer on someone's life
as soon as i find a "host" i latch on so tightly and begin to consume their lifeforce like a leech sucking blood
but i can't help it, that's just what i am, isn't it
APR. 24, 2026 + #sui #sh #plural #jirai #notebook
is it strange that i feel most like myself when i feel suicidal ?
everything insignificant suddenly melts into nothing, not even wet vapor that clings to me anymore
i no longer care about anything, i feel the most free i've ever felt
there is nothing that exists except for "me" in that world
there is nothing else to concern over
APR. 24, 2026 + #jirai #makeup* #sh #mysophobia #hikikomori #yugioh
......
*i'm not even wearing makeup these photos are just heavily edited
my partner bought us tickets for this anime convention happening this weekend
i asked him if he could return mine because i don't want to go......
if i have to go it's going to be too overwhelming
there's people everywhere
i feel like none of my clothes fit right
i feel so out of place
i can't even find my fucking masks anywhere
god fucking dammit
i'm literally crashing out over this i really don't want to go
i would love to see all the artists at artist alley and maybe get some merch but
it's so overwhelming
it would be nice if my partner could just take some photos to send to me instead
honestly i'd be happier
i'm so stressed out i literally hate going outside
i know he meant it as like a nice favor getting us tickets to go together
but i'm not meant for these kinds of things honestly i'd be happy just looking at photos/videos
if i have to go to this there's like a 99.9% chance i'm going to have a slash fest when i get back
APR. 24, 2026 + #sh #plural #jirai #notebook
i like serrated blades
something about the "teeth" feels nice
i tried using normal razor blades but they don't cut that well
the blades are almost "too smooth" they don't grip the skin that well
the "smooth blades" feel unnatural for some reason,
sensory "nails on chalkboard"
it makes sense that steak knives are serrated, they are designed for cutting through "meat"
apparently they make serrated box cutter blades too, designed for cutting "cardboard"
i like the eyebrow razors for now since they are very gentle but i'm curious to try other blades as well
also the serrated blade leaves nice visible marks, kind of like "love bites" in my mind
here's some photos of the marks as they healed, they last quite awhile
dimmoire ♱ croquis
APR. 24, 2026 + #jirai #aesthetic #sketchbook
i've been obsessed with this dress design lately
unfortunately they are sold out of the color+size that i want
i was a little disappointed, but honestly i already have a dimmoire dress and the shoulders are too narrow for me, so it's likely that even in the right size it still wouldn't fit my body type properly
plus i hardly go out, when would i even wear it, haha
APR. 24, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 23, 2026 + #music #plural #notebook
APR. 23, 2026 + #sui #plural #jirai #notebook
......
i used to think i would prefer death by suffocation
but now honestly perhaps it would be better to overdose on opioids
and perhaps also we could be "transported" to "that place" when we die
is it selfish to imagine death in a spell of euphoria?
i could cast the "spell" on myself as the "spellcaster"
i could take a fatal amount and just die warm underneath the covers in bed
being cold when i die terrifies me
i absolutely hate the cold, i hate it so much
APR. 22, 2026 + #music #notebook
APR. 22, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
everything is a double-edged sword
APR. 20, 2026 + #jirai #plural #sh #notebook
everything is so weird right now
everything is so strange right now
i'm so confused
......
also when i woke up this morning, i was surprised
my marks seem to be suddenly almost completely healed
last night they were still very clear?
APR. 19, 2026 + #sh #sui #mysophobia #hikikomori #plural #jirai #notebook
oxycontin
"wrists?" she asked.
"... hmm?" i said, confused, mind racing, uncomfortable. what?!
"your wristband?" she asked again, clarifying.
"... oh," i said. "yeah." i showed her my hospital wristband.
"we are obligated to ask you a few questions," she said.
"have you recently thought of hurting yourself?"
i shook my head.
"have you recently thought of hurting others?"
"no," i said.
"which arm do you want the iv in?" she asked.
"right arm," i said without hesitating.
as soon as she started to put the iv in, i took over.
and i was wondering all week why you had been so quiet, it's like you have been curled up in a ball, refusing to speak a word, so why now all the sudden you spring up, and so forcefully, so suddenly?
i was wondering if i did something wrong? but i didn't think so? i was confused? and also, afraid? i don't understand?
i cried because i'm afraid of needles, they scare me, but i know you also dislike them, but for a different reason--you feel violated
they were already prodding you, and i know you were angry, so don't worry about it, i can handle this, even though i'm scared......
but all this time, you haven't been doing things like this, right?
because it would upset me, if you were taking on all the pain just because you thought i was too weak to handle it.
you didn't want to see me cry? am i not the one who's supposed to cry?
why do you not let me take back control in this moment?
why are you taking on all the pain and fear?
i'm supposed to be the "strong" one, the one that handles these kinds of things
or were you just afraid i would be too brash?
just don't worry about it, everything is going to be fine and this will all pass, it's already passing
and we can remember the past when the oxycontin hits
do you remember how happy we were? we were at peace then
us spending christmas of 2022 after surgery at a boutique hotel in beverly hills, accompanied only by the bottles of meds and lots of animes
that was perhaps the most peaceful we have ever felt in our life, everything was good then.
we all agree, we were happy.
we wonder if before we die, we will be transported back to that place,
where there's no worries, problems, anxiety at all, everything fades away to nothing and only the solace of peace remains
and again now we were able to sleep very well,
even with dirt-covered shoes on, irregardless of all the noise, all the people, everything that was insufferable, that made you want to snap
i embraced you again, tightly, and we fashioned our room to be like that hotel room from 2022
wasn't it nice?
i don't want you to be unhappy, i just want to make you happy somehow
i will do anything to make you happy
i am terrified, is this the only way we can ever achieve "happiness?"
is this the nirvana to us but plain happiness to others?
is this what we are "supposed" to feel?
but the only way we have been able to feel at peace
is drug-induced, it's synthetically manufactured
doesn't that make you sad?
it's all just a "replication," it's all just "fake"
and they'll just say we're "disabled," label us with a moot sticker, say that these manmade substances are making us "functional" again
it's a destruction of our "reality" replacing all of this with a narcotizing "simulation"
we are "forced" to feel this way, it's not of our own volition and control
why am i in so much pain?
very real, physical pain
tangible, sharp, shooting pain in my body
"an 8 out of 10"
i can't concentrate on anything i am just overwhelmed by pain assaulting my senses
it's been days and it's only gotten worse
is this psychogenic pain? is none of this "real" and is only in my "head?"
i'm supposed to be "normal," "healthy"
but i'm not?
i'm such a selfish whore for even voicing my complaints
i just wasted everyone's time, including my own
well, at least my partner's concern is assuaged, i wouldn't have come here to this medical hellscape of my own volition
is this pain actually what "you" were holding?
is it? you don't answer, do you? so i can only speculate? how unfair
i feel like the boy in the giver who can see colors when everyone else is just content to see in black and white
everyone wonders why i'm not just content with the state of things
"just take your meds and everything will get better"
but why can no one else "see?" i'm not "crazy," i swear it is "real"
how can you just so carelessly use blanket terms like "dissociation" and "psychosis" to pidgeonhole what i "see?"
is everyone just "afraid?" of challenging the status quo?
are you just "afraid" of what you can't understand?
human science is limited so don't trust your faith in it as a crutch
how are all of you satisfied with just "this?"
"this" isn't "real"
i can assure you, what i am experiencing, it is very "real"
and i am very much so in pain
and confused
she was there with me so suddenly, i lost control
she was there, i could hear her voice so clearly,
i swear it was real, i swear she is real, she knows she is real, she is very much so alive in the "hyperreal," i'm not "crazy"
but no, as far as anyone else would be concerned,
this is all just my "rich imagination"
even though the imagination has long since been exhausted and bluntly extinguished by this cruel world
there is no "imagination" anymore, only the "hyperreal" that has become necessary for survival
but to them "she" would just be an "imaginary friend i invented"
"because i am too desperate"
"i have no one"
"i am filling a void in my heart"
"it's a coping mechanism"
"she wasn't always there"
despite all the signs of her presence being there throughout the years past
perhaps i know deep inside that i am not able to be "loved"
so you could argue i "invented" "someone" who could "love" me
but everything is so twisted and unclear
yet i am so acutely aware this is all "real"
even if i can make little sense of it right now
it's not designed to be translated into human language so of course it's not easy to understand and organize into "coherence"
in fact there's no "design" at all, "it" is simply a force of nature, it's "chaotic"
and there's no need for immediate answers either, you can rest for now, valuable answers take time
APR. 19, 2026 + #sui #jirai #aesthetic
APR. 18, 2026 + #sh #sui #plural #jirai #yugioh
i want opioids, please
APR. 18, 2026 + #sh #sui #plural #jirai
......
i feel like a cockroach on this earth
an insignificant inconvenience, a minor annoyance that should be exterminated
everyone hates the "thing" i am, they will surround me and stamp me out without a second thought
ugly, vile, disgusting,
a "thing" that spreads disease,
and is best useful when dead,
this is my true nature,
isn't it?
the shapeshifter form i wear as a mask is just a survival tactic
but what's the use in surviving anymore when it's always just an endless cycle of running, suffering, surviving
meaninglessly
when i already predict my fate
my fate seems so certain, all the signs are ever-present, it's hard to ignore
APR. 18, 2026 + #sh #sui #plural #jirai
......
is this the extent you can go?
you are weak, insignificant. absolutely pathetic.
remind yourself you are weak, insignificant, and pathetic.
do you really want to escape this reality you've accepted?
then stop being so weak, insignificant, and pathetic and actually do something effective and with resolute conviction for a change.
this is your own fault.
APR. 18, 2026 + #sui #plural #jirai #notebook
do you ever just feel like everyone else is living in a simulation and you're the only one actually experiencing true reality?
but nobody else seems to notice and just keeps pointlessly reciting their lines from the "script"
APR. 18, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
wait this is actually quite motivational (*´_｀)
APR. 18, 2026 + #sui #jirai #plural #notebook
......
no need to send me to the gallows
i can handle the execution myself
APR. 18, 2026 + #sh #sui #plural #jirai
......
what if i took a box cutter and unsheathed it all the way
and pressed it as deep as possible into my skin?
how deep could i go before i black out?
APR. 17, 2026 + #sh #plural #jirai #yugioh
......
it's weird that most media depicts cutting as this thing you do while crashing out and being sad
like honestly i'm in a great mood now, i honestly just feel relief
in fact i'm in the best mood i've been in lately, i feel euphoric
also i feel the most in control i've felt in awhile
it doesn't even hurt like honestly it just gives me a dopamine hit and buzz afterward
maybe that's weird and my sadistic side is showing? idek
i have no concept of what's normal or not
to me it feels relaxing though
everything just becomes a blur and buzzes
APR. 17, 2026 + #jirai #sh
jirai to jirai communication ?
opened socials today to find out a bunch of other jirais relapsed yesterday too
woah jirai to jirai communication is real ? wtf it's uncanny
APR. 16, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #meme
when i'm in a good mood ✩
APR. 16, 2026 + #sh #plural #jirai
......
the afterburn is addictive
i like this cute little eyebrow razor and its serrated edges
kind of disappointed i ran out of canvas space so fast though
hmm i probably should have taken it a little slower
perhaps i could try other places but the left arm feels the most comfy
everywhere else feels like an inconvenient afterthought
APR. 16, 2026 + #jirai #sh #sui #notebook
have you ever noticed that just like the rich get richer while the poor get poorer
the miserable get more miserable while the fortunate get more fortunate
it's almost like once you reach a certain threshold there's an unstoppable momentum, a point of no return
APR. 16, 2026 + #jirai
it's adorable hearing people talk about things they like
like yes you go girl live out your dreams, live the life you want, do all the things you love
૮꒰ ˃̣̣̥ ◠ ˂̣̣̥ ꒱ა ♡
APR. 16, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #plural #food #sh
i passed my test so i rewarded myself gas station sushi rolls and cola
and then i made this chaotic jirai-esque snow edit lol
idk why i felt the urge to do this but whatever
i hate looking at food pictures so might delete later but
kuriboh looks very cute though
so i keep for now
cola is one of my guilty pleasures i love colas
also is it a slash kind of night?
because i'm already tired and it's only 3 pm and i'm getting the vibes it might be a nice night for that
plus now we're "in the clear" or whatever
(๑>⤙^๑)
APR. 16, 2026 + #yugioh #meme #jirai
kinda curious what meeting other yugioh fictionkins would be like
i always see the "doubles dni" discourse for fictionkins but i have no idea if i would mind or not
i don't think i would really care, i feel like if i don't like the person then i don't like the person,
it's less about them being a double or not
plus i'd be curious about what interacting with yugioh sourcemates would be like
but alas this is just a musing,
i have yet to stumble upon any other yugioh fictionkins
i'm just kind of curious what it would be like
i feel like it wouldn't go well (like how all social interactions with me eventually end up),
mostly just because i'm a problematic person though, not because of the fictionkin thing
update: i literally just googled "yugioh fictionkin" and a yugioh fictionkin discord server came up
but that scares me (;￢_￢)
discord is a hellscape i am no longer willing to enter
everytime i've actually interacted with people on discord it's gone spectacularly horribly
somehow i end up creating drama i didn't even intend on creating
people get mad at me and then they get mad at each other and then i just leave because i feel like the problem
but honestly that's not just unique to discord
honestly i think i just hate all social environments of any kind
somehow i seem to find a way to screw up everything despite my every effort to not
prediction, if i ever interacted with other yugioh fictionkins
they would probably just hate crime me for any of my unlikeable traits
like "how dare you be mentally ill and kin yugioh??" "how dare you be a jirai joshi and kin yugioh?!" "THAT DOESN'T MATCH MY HEADCANON GO KYS"
( ￣＾￣)
or something like that
also it makes me feel so obnoxious for being the main character
like seriously of all characters it really had to be the main character ??
like i didn't choose this life i didn't want this
the only place i really share this about myself is here because i do feel like people irl and on socials will hate me for it
actually makes me want to sh i feel so ashamed
trust me my mortal shame knows no bounds
like i feel like i'm going to ruin someone's fragile headcanon
everyone always acts like he's some god that can do no wrong
that's way too much pressure and i'm not rp'ing
like i'm just going to be me, i'm not going to acquiesce to fit someone's ideal image of the character
i'm really not made for interacting with humans,
i always just end up self-destructing
APR. 15, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural
ah yes the perverse urge to have a slash fest the night before i have to actually touch grass and socialize and my last marks finally finished healing
the mood is perfect, it's dark and i'm enjoying music
you can still see the faint marks from my last ones but honestly
if anyone noticed then honestly i'd rather not just have these cowardly few marks
like last time i barely got the chance
if anyone is going to see why not just go all out then and really give them a spectacle
૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა
it annoys me to be coerced to "strategically plan" around life events
like if i want to and i'm in the mood, fuck it all, just let me ?
like fuck i'm stressed okay ? let me blow off some steam somehow
fuck the world what about me ?
otherwise i might jirai all over the world
trust me you want the red pill
APR. 15, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 15, 2026 + #sketchbook #notebook
one thing that helps me keep a positive perception of my art is an ice cream analogy
if i think of my own art like an ice cream flavor, there's so much less pressure/critical comparison from other artists
it's a good analogy because it's actually quite true
it's not that [ice cream flavor] isn't good, it just may not be what someone is in the mood for right now
but that doesn't mean they won't want [ice cream flavor] later, people still like having variety and choices
it's true because yes, people are like this, they like having options and they like variety
both in ice cream flavors and art
there's a reason why gallery walls have art from many different artists
also people don't critically compare artists like (we) artists do,
they just see them as fundamentally different (like ice cream flavors)
people also have different tastes/preferences,
just like they do for ice cream flavors
that's also motivation for you as an artist to not try and copy another artist
if people want [ice cream flavor], then they want [ice cream flavor], not another [ice cream flavor]
just like if someone wants [ice cream flavor], then they want it to be the best version of that [ice cream flavor]
they don't want copies
people appreciate the uniqueness of each flavor
APR. 15, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #meme
i took a "nap" yesterday at 5 pm and woke up this morning at 7 am
i actually had a nice dream for the first time in forever though!
it was so corny, i literally dreamed about watching funny english dub yugioh moments
specifically kaiba and yami shenanigans
maybe those painkillers really kicked in?
· ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ ·
APR. 14, 2026 + #jirai
whoever you are, i will always listen to you
if you're lurking here and you need someone to talk to,
if you have something you need someone to hear,
i want to always be there to listen to you
i am so flawed and i don't have any solutions,
and i am not omnipresent either (and i'm also quite forgetful),
and i also am not a good friend (nor do i want to make friends),
but i will always listen,
it doesn't matter to me if it's the "most ridiculous" thing in the world,
if you need someone to talk to about it because you have no one else you feel comfortable turning to,
i will be here listening to you
i don't care if you're "polite" and "courteous" or not
just be honest with yourself
i most likely won't see your message until later (or even much later) but i will eventually see it don't worry
(and once i do see your message, i probably won't have the response you were looking for,
and i am really awkward but)
if you have to rant just get it out of your system
my socials are literally just @ minggegusha like my neocities url
APR. 13, 2026 + #jirai #sh #notebook
it's addicting to know i can give you joy, even at my own expense
APR. 13, 2026 + #music #aesthetic
(๑>◡<๑)☆
i absolutely adore this album by dj sharpnel (legendary!) and also the artwork ~
apparently the (illustration) artist is null500 but i can't find any current info on them
(i really want to hunt them down to see more of their art...... i'm obsessed)
i keep returning to this album and it never fails to inspire me
(﹡ˆ﹀ˆ﹡)
something about the energy of the music and the flow/animation of the art
appeals to my soul
it just feels so natural and free like breathing in and out
｀、ヽ｀☂ヽ｀、ヽ
APR. 12, 2026 + #music
"fish in the pool" to accompany a rainy day . ♬ ݁˖ .
APR. 12, 2026 + #jirai #sh #sui #notebook #plural #yugioh
honestly i'll be fine
i'll surviveas long as i have my blades, pencils, and the internet i'll be fine
cutting has honestly been helping me tolerate life a lot
it really relieves my pent-up tension
plus cutting is only surface level self-harm,
it's arguably one of the safest methods,
it's not going to actually kill me or inflict long-term harm
i'll just slash and draw my way through 2026 and 2027
i'll bleed through 2026 and 2027 and exsanguinate all these frustrations out of me
i'll siphon all those frustrations into the blade, through my skin, and onto the paper in graphite
speaking of slashing and drawing,
cutting and drawing are kind of similar actually
both require quick, confident strokes
and you could say both build muscle memory
(ノωヽ)
APR. 12, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 12, 2026 + #jirai #sh #notebook #plural #yugioh
self-sacrificial jirai
isn't it ironic?
am i selfish for wanting to take all the suffering for myself?
i indulge myself in my own torture, and blatantly disregard any opposing words
yet as soon as i see someone else doing so,
i want to tell them to "take care," "be careful"
yet i am such a hypocrite
since when have i ever been "careful?"
APR. 11, 2026 + #jirai #notebook #aesthetic
hysteria wisteria
APR. 11, 2026 + #yugioh #sh #sketchbook
oops my intrusive thoughts leaked into the sketch
ପ(ू ᴗ͈ ˬ ᴗ͈ू )ଓ
APR. 11, 2026 + #jirai #sh #sui #sa #mysophobia #hikikomori #plural #notebook
i am absolutely, helplessly delusional
i don't understand how others tolerate me, i get the urge to kill myself and/or at least induce my own suffering on the daily
APR. 10, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 10, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
i am so insanely grateful to anyone who has supported me
i haven't checked social media in a couple of days, so i went to check this morning
i had a ton of notifs (at least for me!), like 100+
seeing that and seeing a bunch of people interact with and share my art,
it makes me happy
it also just gives me this simple feeling of relief,
i feel like all this i've done has been worth it if fellow jirais can enjoy the results
it gives me motivation because i feel like this is all worth it,
i just need to keep going, i need to keep creating
it makes me feel like maybe i am on the right path,
maybe i just need to keep going further
i am so so thankful
having high numbers on social media of course is very shocking/surprising,
it induces a little bit of anxiety,
but honestly at the end of the day the numbers don't matter,
i just really want at least one person to appreciate this gift i'm preparing for you all
then i feel like it will all be worth it in the end
and i can rest in peace
isn't it ironic that a nihilist is so desperate for her life to have some sort of meaning?
APR. 9, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural
i'll give you cute little cat scratches
don't worry i won't go too deep
plurality(?)
APR. 8, 2026 + #plural #sh #notebook #yugioh
i need to get all these chaotic thoughts out of my system so here we go
so...... plurality
this entire concept has been wrecking me in literally every way (mentally, physically, etc. etc.) since like march 21
i'm honestly still feeling quite shaken about it and very confused but i've had some time to ruminate and literally have conversations with myself about it
we're still figuring it out but i just want to put a lot of these thoughts into a tangible form for my/our own record
we (well, mostly just those two) wanted to add an official #plural tag to the blog to help keep track of when we have very distinct voices,
so i went back and tried to add a #plural tag to where i thought it fit (where the voices were distinct enough)
also we were doing this before once we realized we had different voices (though we hadn't claimed being "plural") but i'll just clarify that we'll try to help distinguish between us using italics and bold text (for now that's our method at least)......
well, that works for two of us but there's another, so idk, she'll just use regular text or something?
she doesn't really mind, she's more neutral than us anyway
and she's fine with claiming what we say as long as it's not extremely "us"
well and i'm already failing to use italics and bold text, this is kind of difficult
i keep going on tangents without realizing
i guess i'll start by explaining this whole experience?
i blogged about some of my feelings before around march 21-22 but i'll just reiterate and clarify more
to be really honest and frank, i've been more self-destructive than usual
i didn't do anything that extreme but previously i had quit smoking, i went back to it and started chain smoking
i also started keeping a selection of different blades with me with the intention of cutting myself
ah, and i guess also i've been partially starving myself, but it's not really starving myself, i've just been restricting myself to one meal a day,
and no snacks/very unhealthy food
which has made me thankfully lose weight quite rapidly
oh and i guess i've been exercising way more than usual, almost every day
but altogether that's not really that bad, i think it just shook me a little more than usual since it's a lot going on at once
i think those are the only "self-destructive" things that i've been doing more than usual, but honestly "self-destructive" is subjective
also i want to clarify although i kept a selection of blades on me for convenience, i never truly cut myself
i attempted to but for some reason i couldn't
i pressed the blade (which was sadly dull) against my skin and i could only press so hard before i gave it up
that could have been because it was just a really fucking dull blade or my other theory was that the other one was fronting then somehow, which seems more possible now, because if it were me, i should've been able to cut through much more easily, i don't prohibit myself as much
anyway, these recent habits that reappeared for me (i don't really want to call it a "relapse" because that sounds silly and extreme to me)
made me start to wonder why i was doing all of this
honestly everything in my life has been pissing me off lately so that's that
but also there's one clear situation that very clearly, clearly made me spiral, and i still feel angry and upset about it
at work some coworkers thought they were being funny and played a "prank" on me
the prank being that they left a bunch of dirty trash and crumpled up shi on my desk when i left for the restroom
so i came back and i snapped at them
i literally could not hold it in, that triggered me
(this was in december 2025 btw, and i still feel triggered and upset about it)
i'm very mysophobic, i hate trash, i hate dirty things, i hate anything else anyone else has touched and i don't want it touching me or my stuff
"the other me" somehow held in a panic attack until the end of the day when i finally got to my car
which actually impresses me a lot, i'm very impressed by that
but anyway as a result i was inevitably pushed to the front and of course i snapped at them, i told them to knock it off, that there was nothing funny about this
i'm not supposed to really act like this, in the past, this is why i become the problematic one
people think i'm nice (which is actually her) and then i front and people think i'm mean and have no self-control
anyway, that whole terrible situation which made her cry a lot made me very upset, and i started to spiral
it didn't help that i started to feel targeted at work too
suddenly i got confronted by a bunch of higher-ups and i received an official counseling,
they acted like i was some delinquent just because i was late one day because of someone else that was picking on me
asking me if i had any "lifestyle changes" and that i need to re-evaluate my lifestyle or something like that
and literally i have been the perfect poster child employee up until then,
i have never been confronted like this before in such a hostile way
and then it suddenly seemed like all my leadership was targeting me somehow
they were clearly looking down on me, it felt like rumors were going around about me
i know because i have had rumors circulate about me, but not at this job
fuck them all, after that counseling i went straight to the bathroom to cut
it makes me so angry, now i just feel fucking trapped in this place and in this life in general
i already did before and this just makes it worse
i try to keep my mysophobia and other abnormal "problems" to myself, i try to hide it
because i know people are awful and will use that against me somehow as a "power trip"
i fucking hate it so i don't ever share or try to make obvious those things about myself
but now i feel fucking trapped because now, how can i really prevent myself from being tormented like this?
people will keep poking at me, people will keep making "jokes" under the guise of being "funny"
people will keep targeting me under the guise of being "concerned" when really they just want to feel somehow superior and stroke their own ego
i'm legally bound to keep this contract so there's no way out until my time is officially up
i have to keep showing up to this cursed place and act like everything is fine as usual
it pisses me off
but i digress (i just realized i'm ranting now)
anyway, i did some "self-destructive" things
on march 22, i actually did cut myself for the first time and it is surprisingly enjoyable
it makes me wonder if other people have had similar experiences when cutting, like have other people realized they're plural/started hearing voices very clearly after cutting?
because that's what happened to me
before that, when i chain smoked a bunch the day before, i had a strange out-of-body experience, but it wasn't necessarily super clear voices it was more abstract,
like i was seeing myself as a completely detached person
so i'm not really sure if that's necessarily "plural"
but when i cut myself, or rather, more so after(?) i cut myself,
i started to hear crystal clear voices, distinct from myself
mostly just her voice, because she was crying and she was afraid
she doesn't like blood, and she's hemophobic, so this is probably what triggered that reaction
but i didn't view myself as separate identities, there's only "me," so i was extremely confused
i did stop myself, but i wanted to keep going, for some reason i let her win that argument
or maybe she forced herself somehow to the front? i'm not totally sure
or maybe i just let her win because i could just cut again some other time, so it wasn't that deep (literally, lol)
the experience was very strange, i mostly ignored her voice while i was cutting, but it was afterward her crying became so clear and loud i couldn't ignore it
and the other one seemed to be trying to communicate for her, the "mediator" i guess you could call them
when i started to listen, i seemed to have some sort of strange vision, very abstract but very it felt absurdly lucid
i was suddenly in a dark, dingy room full of dust and cobwebs, the place kind of reminds me of our old garage where we used to throw our extra cardboard boxes and random stuff not in use
"she" was there, "she" was "me" but not "me," "she" was bleeding and having a panic attack
she was on the ground and shaking uncontrollably
she was so scared for some reason, and i was so confused
did i do this to her? is this my fault?
my heart started racing, because in my mind, i was doing these "self-destructive" things to myself, not to anyone else
"she" couldn't be "real," could she?
but yet "she" felt so "real," and she was really upset over this
and there was the other one too, "she" was watching all of this, "she" was standing by the "other me" who was crying, seeming to try to help with a hand
i was absolutely terrified, this was an absolutely terrifying experience
that i absolutely did not wish upon myself
i kept telling myself this was just a "psychotic break"
so i went to bed and just decided to try and forget about the whole thing
but the voices didn't stop talking,
they were suddenly so chatty, they wanted to talk to me now that i "knew" "they" "existed"
it was like for some god-forsaken amount of time they had just been barely surviving in that awful, dark, dirty place
i have never ever seen them before
and i swear i have never heard "their" voices before
it still makes me feel twisted and confused just thinking about it, but luckily i've had enough time to process to actually put this into somewhat coherent words
the voices still haven't stopped talking, and since that terrifying existential crisis of an experience i've been an absolute wreck
i feel so exhausted and they just won't stop talking
well, that's partially a lie, they do stop but i just am so painfully aware "they" exist now
eventually, after they kept hinting to me i was in "denial," i gave up and started actually engaging in conversation with them
they seemed to be pretty happy to finally talk
well, that's good that they're happy, even though i'm generally not happy about this
this is supposed to just be "my life," it's pretty fucking inconvenient if i am plural (sorry)
have i really just been suppressing those voices for some unknown amount of time?
did we all just think it was just one of us and we never realized we were actually separate?
i've been thinking about this a lot and there's no clear conclusion of course
what's the end or beginning, i have no clue
where did "they" come from when i'm sure i'm the "original" one?
even after talking with them, we have no idea, it's not that clear, or at least no one has shared with me anything revealing yet
so now i've kind of accepted, okay, perhaps there is a chance that i am plural
to be fair, i'm probably making things worse if i'm in denial
(and i might have made things worse already)
and now i'm more aware of the subtle differences as well, i'm actively trying to pay attention
i mentioned this before but i am aware my voice changes, i was aware of this before but i always just thought it was age regression moments or something
same with my behavior and mannerisms, they do change, i just never really thought that could be a "plural" thing, i just thought that was me being quirky
though now that i think about it, those things slightly embarrass me, perhaps because that's not quite "me"
have i really just been carefully controlling my own self-perception?
(and forcing my own beliefs about myself onto myself?)
though, one thing i always hear about from plural systems is that there are usually memory gaps
and i don't (think i) have memory gaps(?)
i also think i am usually always present in some way, i don't think i "go to the back" that much or ever(?)
it scares me to not be in control, to not know what's going on
i'd like to be able to confidently say i am in control of myself at all times, i can manage everything
i remember everything, right?
yet i do have some times it seems hazy or i feel strange about remembering things
but i always just thought that was a normal level of human forgetfulness
sometimes i forget information about myself that makes me feel scared for a moment
like seriously obvious personal information, like my age, my phone number, people i know, sometimes conversations i had
to me that just seems like normal memory blips from time to time, but what if it's actually not?
i really don't know what's normal or what's not, i just know my own experience so it's difficult to say
anyway, i'm starting to realize i'm not letting the other voices talk at all, but they seem to actually be kind of relieved it's me talking, so i'll just keep writing i guess
if they really want me to talk, i'll talk, i've already said so much so
ah another point i wanted to address
the self-doubting spiral
i argued with myself a bunch about this
i tried to rationalize why i'm hearing voices
because i've been reading a lot of fiction that has plurality in it
well, i say "a lot," but really i just finished reading two series that had arguably "plural" characters in them
stormlight archive (shallan) and yugioh (yugi, marik, bakura)
and of course, obviously i've been very very obsessed with yugioh since i rediscovered the series as an adult
(yes i am a little obsessed....... hahah.......)
so it made me wonder, okay, maybe these series are just putting these concepts in my head and floating around in there
and maybe this whole thing with the voices is coming from that
when i talked with my partner about it (well not me, i kind of hid while "the other me" did the talking sorry)
they also said they thought i might just be "romanticizing" the idea of plurality that i'm reading about in fiction
but if it was "romanticizing" why would it be actually such a geniunely terrifying experience?
nothing feels "romantic" about this at all, i feel mostly awful, but at least the other voices are nice
but then i realized that's a "chicken or the egg?" type argument with no clear correct answer
you could argue that i'm manifesting these "voices" because of what i've been reading
but you could also argue that what i've been reading surfaced some part of my subconscious that was already there and just made me self-aware(?)
or it could be completely unrelated, it could be a "red herring" situation where what i was reading doesn't relate to the situation at all,
it could be more so due to that singular cutting incident
purely because "the other me" is hemophobic, so it "drew them out"
they never ever had any issues with me smoking, perhaps because it's more passive
at least i've never provoked that kind of reaction before
nor with other "self-destructive" behaviors either, all of my other "self-destructive" tendencies are still pretty "passive" i guess, and they don't involve blood so
idk
oh yeah i also forgot to say why i even picked this yugioh meme to include at the bottom
it was relevant i swear
i remember a long long time ago, when i was in either junior high or high school,
i was a tumblr type girlie and i saw this post that was mental health related
it wasn't this meme but this meme kind of reminded me of it
(i can't find it now, i wouldn't even know where to look, but it lives rent-free in my head still even after all these years, the concept stuck with me)
basically it offered a mental health tip,
it recommended that it might be fun to pretend you're a demon inhabiting a human host
and even though it's annoying, the demon has to care for its human host
basically it was trying to give a fun way to rationalize self-care
idk why, that concept has stuck with me all these years
so perhaps you could argue something similar happened subconsciously with me
perhaps it's just my subconscious inventing a new coping mechanism
i'm not really sure how to confirm that, it's just a theory
me hearing voices was certainly not a conscious decision
the other thing i wanted to address was another book i just finished reading
"simulacra and simulation" by jean baudrillard
discovering that book at this exact point in time for me feels really serendipitous
because i was reading it while all of this was happening to me
in the headspace (no pun intended) i'm currently in,
i tended to relate a lot of the material in the book to my current situation
and a lot of the ideas (other than the political ones) do seem to relate frighteningly closely
essentially, the idea it conveys is that there is no objective "reality"
essentially, all "reality" is subjective
i also really enjoyed the part about "hyperreality"
the concept that when all the "imaginary" is exhausted, humans will revert and make the "real" "imaginary"
humans desperately need to fantasize to survive
so
the "hyperreal" exists
we all read the book together and had discussions about it,
the conclusion we were happy to (kind of) arrive at was that i don't really need to have a conclusive answer to "am i plural?"
we can take our time with that
even the label "plural" doesn't necessarily matter, it's a way to describe the current experience we're having but i don't need to worry about self-diagnosing
i just am what i am
if we are indeed "plural," then we will keep in communication
if we suddenly become just one, then that's okay too
we know that to other people, we will always just be "one person"
and we aren't inclined to make it obvious that it would be otherwise
so, basically, it doesn't really matter what we are
we just are, currently
i'm trying to be okay with that, and i think i've settled down at that
our "reality" is subjective and that's just fine
APR. 7, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 6, 2026 + #yugioh #aesthetic
i adore this kind of nostalgic moe style artwork
i haven't read this doujinshi nor am i technically a prideshipper but
i randomly came across this on pinterest and it's cool to see yami and kaiba in this art style
hahahahahah why does yami kind of look like a hentai scumbag though
and kaiba kind of looks like the damsel in distress
also not sure if this is just me being asexual (it's probably just me) but
i tend to be okay with pretty much any ships
like even though i don't explicitly ship yami x kaiba i'm cool with it
same as puzzleshipping, thiefshipping, etc.
personally i think all the yugioh ships are doomed (and canonically they pretty much are lol even though prideshipping sort of has the dsod excuse) but i'm cool with other people's headcanons,
it's interesting to me
i sadly don't really enjoy reading fanfics/doujinshi like this though
it kind of feels like i'm invading someone else's fantasy, like it feels like an invasion of someone else's privacy for me
idk if that's weird or not that's just how i feel ( 〃．．)
it's bizarre though, i do enjoy reading hentai
especially the really strange ones
it's bizarre because as an asexual person, i don't read hentai for the sexual reasons
instead i'm just fascinated by the absurd fantastical elements
the more absurd it is the more interesting i find it
similar to my fascination with horror
the more absurd and unreal it is, the more it fascinates me
also there's a layer of fantasy over hentai versus porn
subconsciously the reader is aware it's not "real"
so the experience is a little different
plus hentai can get away with way more than a mainstream manga could
so that's always interesting to see how they push the envelope
i'm 100% sure this book would be in kaiba's library somewhere though
for "research purposes" or something of course (*´ー`)
APR. 6, 2026 + #jirai #plural #notebook
humans are addicted to watching others suffer
made the mistake of checking my neocities website traffic
damn y'all are kind of sick (i don't know if that's the right way to put it)
apparently the day when i had a major crashout was when my website hits were highest
coincidence or not?
it kind of just confirms that people "love" to watch other people suffer
it's addictive
it also reminds me of how self-harm posts are the ones that typically blow up in jirai spaces
it's really fucked up, really, considering the purpose of jirai spaces
jirai spaces aren't intended to glorify self-harm, and yet self-harm posts get a ton of traction
it makes the jirai community look like a cult from the outside
identifying as "jirai" is about reclaiming a chaotic identity (being a "landmine")
it's supposed to be purely ambivalent, "good" even (without the pressure of pro-recovery expectations)
i hate that there's this trend of amplifying the self-harm aspect inside the jirai community
and that people are tying it to "jirai" as a definition, even creating the term "baby jirai" and using it to belittle others' suffering
there is no "initiation" for being "jirai," being "jirai" is just a reclaimed identity
you don't need to fucking cut beans deep just to be a "proper jirai"
or smoke cigarettes, drink a lot of energy drinks, do drugs, have a sugar daddy, have a groomer, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. all that dumb shi people associate with "lifestyle jirais"
like yes a lot of jirais have a history with these things but that's not supposed to be an effect of being "jirai,"
that's really just supposed to be water under the bridge, something that may have partially brought us to choose "jirai" as an identifier
like take me for example, i never even cut myself as an intentional form of self-harm until a few weeks ago,
and though i had other typical "self-destructive" "jirai" behaviors before then, i was "jirai" before then, i'm fucking 25 years old, that's just me being the spontaneous little "landmine" i am
it's not a cause and effect scenario, it's a reclaimed identity
i was a "landmine" at least as early as 14 years old, but "being jirai" as a concept didn't exist until much later
it's simply an identity choice we make because it feels like at least we can feel like we have a mutual community of us and feel seen/understood
that's wonderful that people think jirais are cute and aesthetic or whatever but
it's not (in my mind) supposed to be vice versa where it's like people have romanticized the icky things and see them as a rite of passage to entering this community
i wouldn't wish any of my problematic behaviors and/or trauma on anyone else, especially not these "baby jirais" who are doing just fine in life
if you want to enjoy the fashion and aesthetic you can do so without forcing yourself into some problematic situation just to feel "valid"
don't listen to anyone who enforces "jiraimaxxing" that's just fucking silly
if you're telling others to "jiraimaxx" you need to look at yourself and really consider what you're doing
sorry went on a tangent there but anyway
(this trend of amplifying the self-harm aspects of the jirai community)
it's not even a trend really, it's just pure human nature
we're always fixating on suffering
it happens everywhere else, in every other community as well but for some reason the jirai community has become notorious/scandalous for it
perhaps it's because then we can feel a little more secure about ourselves
like, they're messed up, so me being messed up is also okay, right?
or maybe partially it's also because it's entertaining to watch
it holds our attention
we can't look away from suffering once we notice it
there's some sick voyeuristic trait about all of us in that way
well i'm glad i could entertain you i guess
i kind of feel like the jester in the court
it surprises me that people actually visit this website
i didn't really intend for/expect other actual people to view it
i don't necessarily mind, it makes me feel more "real"/valid knowing others can perceive me
also it's convenient to have a url i can look up to see my stuff when i'm away from my pc (the main reason i put this blog online and not just local)
but it also feels strange because my self-awareness only extends to a certain point
i honestly have no idea how people perceive this collection of my musings
trying to be self-aware, i try to measure by "good" and "bad"
there's a lot of things here that could be potentially triggering to others (hence the content warning) so perhaps it's quite "bad"
but then another part of me isn't fazed at all and says that it's really not bad at all, it just is
this is just me, i'm like a force of nature
i'd be curious to know what other people think of this place
it makes me curious why people are even looking at this place
or is it just accidental and then they quickly leave?
it feels very strange to think about strangers peeking around my internet lair
it's not that deep right? or are they genuinely curious about something?
and why were there so many views on the 31st? were people sharing the url with others or something?
or was it purely just coincidence?
it makes me wonder, but whatever
at the end of the day, this is my place, and i purposely do not participate in webrings anymore or keep a guestbook
it's because this is supposed to be purely created for myself and i don't want to encourage myself to be performative
it's refreshing to have a place i can be absolutely authentic and unfiltered
what other people think is just noise
though it does make me curious, how are my true colors perceived by others?
i'm pretty much masking 24/7 so i don't really know what people think about the "actual" me
and the "actual" me includes all the rough edges i express here,
i'm always pruning them away when i present myself publicly
to be "likeable"
am i actually "ugly?"
but then again "ugly" and "pretty" are highly subjective terms,
there really isn't any objective "ugly" or "pretty" about any soul
they just exist in an ambivalent nature, waiting to be weighed on a moral scale by others
because for some reason humans feel the need to measure everything even if it's innately immeasurable
/ᐠ - ⩊ -マ₊˚⊹♡₊ ⊹
APR. 6, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 5, 2026 + #jirai #sa #mysophobia #hikikomori #yugioh #notebook
it's okay, you are safe here
APR. 5, 2026 + #jirai #nso #sui #notebook
watched the first nso anime episode
ngl it kinda triggered melike it wasn't even "that bad" but for some reason i feel like
actually kinda nauseous now
kind of a mix of nauseous and that shaky feeling you get right before a panic attack
idk the exact flavor of this episode kinda hit me the wrong way or something
especially that part about the cafe girl
if it keeps going like this i may not be able to watch it
i really don't feel good now ( ;´ - `;)
it's a weird experience because on paper i should've liked it
nso aligns somewhat closely to my own artistic/narrative path
and i mean it's not that i disliked it
the way stuff was presented just kinda hit me the wrong way or something
a weird experience, because i want to tell stories with similar themes
with my art/writing
but being on the receiving end as the reader is always different
it makes me realize as the author perhaps i should be more gentle with my storytelling
the first episode of nso felt very heavy-handed(?) (if that's the proper word?)
fiction and narrative can be very transformative
and i already know i have brusque tendencies
i just need to keep in mind
when i author my own fiction i need to be gentler
i guess it's really knowing when to be softer, when to add fiction, when to be harder, when to add reality, how to sprinkle in the right amount of both to properly deliver the theme
it makes me think perhaps it's good then that i'm taking my time to develop as an artist/writer
so that i can make sure my story is told properly
i guess i don't need to rush as much as i tell myself
it makes me feel both hopeful and suicidal
because on one side i tell myself i need more time to craft a good story
on the other side i fear will my story just end up being a meaningless addition to this already saturated world?
i'm about to leave my full time job to pursue my dream of becoming a silly starving artist and these are the types of thoughts that are plaguing me lately
i already know i'm going to be miserable, i just hope the misery will be worth it like i keep promising myself (empty promises?)
i really don't want the audience to feel like i do now, i feel actually awful right now
i want my story and art to help someone not hurt them
i want to hold them gently like an angel with my stories when no one else will
i want to curl up in a ball and be comforted like a small child
APR. 5, 2026 + #music
a beautiful mess ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗
APR. 4, 2026 + #jirai #sui #notebook
i had a vision of attempting to hang myself
not real, didn't actually happen buti imagined that i had tied a noose and carried a knife with me
because i was cocky and thought i could test the waters
i didn't actually want to die yet, i just wanted to test my will to live
but then my clumsy ass accidentally dropped the knife and i was stuck struggling to breathe
so i started screaming at the top of my lungs to the best of my ability (gargling)
i didn't want to die yet
my partner luckily heard me and came running and untied me
and i was very scared
APR. 4, 2026 + #jirai #sui #yugioh #meme
APR. 2, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
APR. 1, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #meme
APR. 1, 2026 + #sketchbook #aesthetic
APR. 1, 2026 + #jirai #sui #notebook
identification is only possible by connecting unique identicals
it used to be a rule i made for myself that i should always wear an identical pair of earrings whenever i went to motelsthat way if anything happened, i could leave an earring behind
by keeping one, my connection to that event could be confirmed
otherwise it wouldn't be as easy to confirm i was there
the same concept could be applied to any abstract idea
making connections requires two unique identical things, it needs a pair and not just one
and the pair needs to be identical but different enough to distinguish from other pairs
there is no way to confirm a connection unless two of a unique set exist in two different locations
APR. 1, 2026 + #jirai #sui #notebook
suicide is (not?) selfish
if you hold onto the belief that suicide is selfish i'd strongly encourage you to challenge that beliefhave you ever considered that perhaps YOU are the selfish one?
have you considered that perhaps the only reason you care so much is because that person has still some use ($$value$$$) for you?
(it seems like those who say suicide is selfish are also quick to say "kill yourself" to anyone they find inconvenient)
but have you considered their own feelings?
what if they no longer want to be "useful" to you?
aren't they allowed to be "selfish?"
it is their life they have to bear every day after all, not yours
APR. 1, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural
I WANT TO CUT SO BAD
but we already agreed i wouldn't at least until after this fridaywe have to wear short sleeves this friday and i don't want others to see and comment
i think it's highly unlikely, people care much less than you'd think
in fact my partner didn't even notice before
but i still promised i would wait until after friday
even though last night would've been perfect, and this morning is also very tempting
i know if i do so this morning i'll just spend the rest of the day spiraling
so i will be patient for "them"
but "they" said that i could after friday so i will just wait until after then
also this isn't a fucking april fools joke i don't fucking celebrate april fools
MAR. 31, 2026 + #music
gate openerz ♡ (^ _ ^ ♪)
what my soul sounds like
MAR. 31, 2026 + #jirai #hikikomori #mysophobia #asexual #sa #ocd #sui #plural #notebook #yugioh
i'm such an embarrassment to myself and everyone else
MAR. 31, 2026 + #jirai #hikikomori #mysophobia #sa #ocd #plural #sui #notebook #yugioh
i feel trapped inside my own life
the only place i feel safe is in my small roomi can't even stay that long outside my room, i can handle it for an hour or so and i have to retreat again
i don't even want to pet our cats, i compulsively have to wash my hands afterward
everything feels so dirty, it feels like i'm surrounded by mold, rot, and filth
going to work takes so much of my energy, i get home and have nothing left in me
i'm being forced against my will to put up with this kind of life,
i do not want to live like this
i cannot live like this
even the bed feels filthy,
like it's contaminating me
i don't want to live like this
the only safe place is being alone
why can't i be selfish for once?
i'm glad my suffering is useful to you
i'm glad my endless suffering makes you happy but
can't i be allowed, just once, to be selfish?
it's always me bending to the world's will
why can't the rest of the world try to accommodate me for once?
i don't want to change
i want the world to change for me
i don't want to force myself to live in misery anymore i've done that for long enough
that's all they tell me, they just tell me to learn to cope
i've been coping all this damn time
and i'm fucking suffering because of it
i don't want to fucking learn how to live in this rotting world and wade in the mud
i don't want to fucking be dragged on a chain to slave away my time to earn the right to live a decent life
i don't want to be homeless again
i don't want to "sell my body" again
please have mercy on me world
stop telling me to change
i just want to feel safe
but i just feel trapped in a cage
i want to go to cute cafes with yummy snacks
i want to see nature and enjoy the fresh air
i want to see new things and feel the childlike wonder that i lost
but everything is too dangerous, it's disgusting
this world is unsafe for me
it's no longer my world
there's no turning back, i can never return to how i once was
nor do i have any desire to
my eyes have been opened to the horrors of this world and i can't unsee them
how could i ever pretend not to see them?
this is no longer "my" life
i'm just a slave to this system
and i need to be free
i no longer "belong" to this world
if i was a ghost i could see these things, visit these places again freely
i hope at least my end will be the most beautiful moment of my life
i would prefer that to withering away day by day in a meaningless neverending cycle of "coping"
MAR. 31, 2026 + #jirai #mysophobia #sa #yugioh
one of my coworkers came up behind me and "playfully" rubbed my shoulders, calling me "darling"
get your grimy hands OFF me, do not fucking touch me or i will snap
DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME
MAR. 31, 2026 + #yugioh #jirai #asexual #meme
YGOTAS has me lmao
MAR. 29, 2026 + #notebook #sui
fear nothing, risk everything
MAR. 29, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
MAR. 29, 2026 + #jirai #notebook #sa
if i were a fictional character with elemental abilities i think i would be fire type
people always compare me to ice types but i believe that's just me maskingon the surface i seem cool and collected but innately i'm actually really unstable like fire
plus i'd probably have some berserker effect that makes it dangerous for others to come near me
if anything maybe my "normal mode" would be ice type and then i have an "alt mode" that's like my "true form" which is fire type haha
perhaps the ice type "mode" is like my incubating cryo state to keep the inner chaos at bay
also i just finished stormlight archive and i'm kinning nightblood, i love nightblood's entire concept
nightblood is a really good fictional example of chaotic good
maybe in the fictional world i would lock away my soul to give sentience to a sword whose purpose is to take vengeance on sexual assailants
effective because the sword is intimately aware of the "assailant's body"
the sword is cold like ice when idle and becomes hot to the touch and burns when vengeance is close
it's poetic in the allegory that i would become a tangible object which can be used, much like my previous purpose was
but in reality with every use i become more and more unstable and unaware of my actions/attacks and begin to lose my original sense of purpose
just striking out blindly because i've long since forgotten what the meaning of all of this was
"KILL EVIL!"
but what is "evil" anymore?
feeling such a strong sense of purpose, but where is the "guide?"
MAR. 29, 2026 + #jirai #notebook #sui
life feels like going around in circles endlessly and i'm dizzy
MAR. 29, 2026 + #jirai
so true. anyone who belittles someone's hobbies/interests needs to re-evaluate themself, maybe YOU need to get a hobby outside of bullying people hmm? or is your life too pathetic and sad?
it's especially pathetic when you can clearly see someone is very interested in/excited about something and you decide to say something awful and demeaning about said interest. get a life, it doesn't matter if their interests don't align with yours, at least they have something they can be excited about (;テ﹏テ)
also i super admire people who express themselves freely, even if it's perceived as "cringe" or whatever, i think it's super admirable that someone is willing to be themselves even despite their "imperfections/flaws." i feel like i'm surrounded by performative behavior and it's refreshing to just experience someone being completely authentic
MAR. 29, 2026 + #jirai #sa #plural #notebook #yugioh
my nightmares don't even scare me anymore, now they just pique my interest from time to time
i go into lucid episodes during my nightmares so essentially i can affect/control the outcomesbut i kind of treat them like visual novels where i like to choose the "worst" outcomes on purpose out of curiosity to see what would happen
the "good" endings are always very predictable and aren't interesting at all, so i hardly bother exploring those routes since i essentially know what they are without even seeing them
in the dream i had last night, it started out with "us" in a traveling group at a train station
i didn't understand any of the languages so i was confused about which train we were supposed to take, so i asked my group and then we boarded the correct train
however i was the first to board, and i lost track of the rest of my group
we agreed that we would meet up at a specified location at our destination
when i arrived at the correct stop, i realized the location was decrepit and mostly abandoned, the nature taking over what used to be an industrial suburban area
in order to get to our meeting point, "i" would have to cross through an underground tunnel that split the forest, but "i" already knew this route was forboding since it was raining heavily and the tunnel would easily flood (and was already flooding in fact)
but "i" entered the tunnel anyway at dusk, with visibility already low and the waters filling the tunnel up to "my" knees
"i" entered each pathway like a maze, reaching dead ends and navigating my way through the tunnels for the "correct" path
then "i" came across a door, the only door in the tunnels, and "i" already knew the outcome, but "i" opened the door anyway since it was the only "correct" door (there is no other way out)
a man would rush outside the door, he was already waiting for "me" to arrive, he was armed with a rifle and after one look at me, he didn't hesitate to shoot me multiple times with lethal blows
at least he had the decency to explain that "he had been waiting for me and he already knew my intentions"
"i" already knew the outcome because "another me" had set up this whole subplot previously, "i" had come to this man before and told him "i" would try to "kill" him and "his group" at this specified moment
afraid of the premonition, he went to this bunker in the tunnels underground with his rifle and awaited my arrival so that he could neutralize the threat
"i" didn't blame him, that's the natural cause and effect
fueled by adrenaline despite the lethal holes in my stomach and chest, i ran as fast as i could out of the flooding tunnels, afraid i would get trapped in here and drown instead of bleeding out
i eventually made it back outside to the entrance(?) where there were streetlights (were they there before?) and i collapsed in a puddle on the cold ground
everything was cold and miserable and i felt so alone, even surrounded by artificial lights that seemed to say there were people working at this hour somewhere nearby
but nobody would even notice as i died alone in the cold rain
it makes me remember how much i hate the cold for this very reason
the cold means dying alone without anyone to give you even a blanket
just like being left alone at a motel in skimpy clothing without even a jacket to keep me warm
after many calls to anyone i could think of, no one picked up
everyone had left and no one was coming to pick me up
so i went to sleep while freezing cold on the bench outside
but then i realized maybe instead of bleeding out i should try to tourniquet my wounds with my clothing to stop the bleeding,
then i could prolong the dream a little longer to see what would happen if i survived
but then i woke up
i'm not sure why, but i never have "good" dreams anymore, i only ever get "nightmares"
MAR. 28, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
and thus the self-loathing begins again
MAR. 28, 2026 + #jirai #notebook #yugioh
words are such a distraction
if i couldn't talk/use words and i was just forced to show/do instead, i feel i would be much more productive
MAR. 28, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
MAR. 28, 2026 + #jirai #sui
MAR. 27, 2026 + #mysophobia #yugioh
this is how mysophobia feels to me
MAR. 27, 2026 + #yugioh #library
MAR. 26, 2026 + #music
dancing through fantasies 𝄞𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ 𓈈⭒♬ ﾟ.
MAR. 26, 2026 + #jirai #sketchbook #sh
(ㅅ´ ˘ `)
MAR. 26, 2026 + #plural
i folded two little origami boxes (for her), i haven't folded origami in a long time
MAR. 26, 2026 + #jirai #plural #notebook
......
if i...... theoretically...... were pluraleverything feels much more peaceful when our host is sleepy/tired
i feel like we can actually all just hang out now in peace
MAR. 26, 2026 + #linux #pgr
fun fact my file system's name is kowloong/九龍 because its structure highly resembles that of the walled city: a complete mess that somehow still barely makes sense and functions
MAR. 26, 2026 + #music
last carnival ♫ ♡
MAR. 25, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
this dance......
it looks fun ૮꒰っ˕‹̥̥̥ ꒱ა
MAR. 25, 2026 + #jirai #sketchbook #notebook
unstable shapeshifter
color and form are only abstract concepts, not rulebooks
૮꒰っ˕‹̥̥̥ ꒱ა
MAR. 25, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
watching matu rika's mmd videos makes me remember how i used to love to dance
i loved learning choreography and performing, it was really fun for some reason
i see all the other jirais doing their cute dances but i just can't match their energy now
MAR. 25, 2026 + #jirai #plural #yugioh
i feel so silly for having this personal blog
part of me feels ashamed becauseyou know you can just keep a written diary right?
i would be infinitely embarrassed if real people actually discovered all this personal chaos
but another part of me finds the blogging infinitely more interesting
no one can change my narrative here
i really don't want other people to read
i nervously check my profile thinking people are going to suddenly start stoning me with insults
and i do quick vanity checks to make sure minggegusha doesn't get indexed in an awkward way
phew okay nevermind nobody actually cares about personal jirai blogs everybody's too concerned about themselves
but then another part of me secretly wants to be found hiding in my little internet lair
i love serendipities
but in reality i know the only people who go digging around in dark corners of the internet like this are either
obsessive yandere types and/or pathetic blackmailers
(blackmail doesn't work on me btw, people already tried)
(ㅅ´ ˘ `)
MAR. 24, 2026 + #yugioh
so glad to have stumbled across matu rika's videos tonight
their videos are so surprisingly wholesome and comforting
i feel suddenly lighter
✧
MAR. 24, 2026 + #notebook
a weapon can be anything you imagine it to be
MAR. 24, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
when the jokes aren't funny anymore and the music isn't musical anymore
everything is just noise
MAR. 24, 2026 + #yugioh
realizing the alarming rate i have been posting to this blog in 2026
i may need to start archiving by month or season at least, this is starting to get out of hand
existential crisis, cont.
MAR. 24, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #plural #sa #sh #ocd #notebook
don't mind me, just having a quick psychotic break from reality and talking to myself
i'm surrounded by plurals, both real and fictionalthe series i'm currently reading (stormlight archive) has a character (shallan) that is plural (though i think the depiction is imperfect)
also recently i read an interesting article that analyzed yugioh from a DID perspective
so being exposed to this more was floating around in my mind
it made me wonder, how am I not plural?
considering all this trauma, why do I not have someone fronting for me?
because I am strong enough to handle everything on my own
because my "trauma" isn't "severe" enough
but wouldn't it be convenient if i could separate myself into two categories down the middle?
the one who is "bad" and the one who is "good"
but really even the "good" one isn't "good"
or maybe it's the one who tortures me and the one who allows it
i'm like a bondage slave to myself
but i've never been two people
i've always been MYSELF
there is no way i could plural,
it's always been ME
and only ME
i've never needed anyone else to control my life
i am completely in control on my own
and in fact I HATE the idea of there being "another me"
this is MY body, this is MY life
i can do whatever the hell i want, i don't have to acquiesce to anyone else's desires
but then why are YOU so angry?
why did YOU do this to me?
why do i have to deal with the consequences of YOUR actions all the time?
i don't want to have to hide my marks all the time, afraid that someone is going to find out and ask me about it
it doesn't matter if they find out, this is what I want
and it's what YOU want as well, YOU allowed this, YOU said yes
because it's what YOU wanted
i just want YOU to be happy
i secretly already know why "they" aren't happy
they are upset, they are angry
all they want is freedom but "you" locked that away from them
because i want a stable life
i never wanted stability, i just want to be free
but "you" aren't even real, this is my life
so why do i have to deal with all of these pathetic responsibilities when i didn't even agree to this
i never fully agreed to these decisions
i knew it was a bad idea from the start, i told YOU this
deep down YOU know it's true
none of this is going to last
everything is going to return to chaos sooner or later
it's just a matter of time
that's because of YOU
YOU can't control yourself
but you allow me to, you submit to my will
besides, again YOU are not real
if there is any original it's ME not YOU
YOU are the wandering stranger here
i can "unwant" you as well
YOU are weak, i hear you crying and it disgusts me
crying does nothing but waste time and make you look pathetic
i'm so confused
my voice does switch but hardly ever unless i'm around my partner or making jokes
i always thought it was age regression
and i've always been ashamed of it
but you tell me when to speak
because he loves YOU and not me
he doesn't like ME
he's annoyed by ME
i'm the one who causes all the "problems" apparently
YOU are not perfect but your "problems" pale in comparison
there's still no way i can be plural
i don't want that
it's too complex
I am ME, and no one else
but i can't deny we are different
and who are "they?"
why do they not come out to help lately?
why do I have to deal with their problems?
or has it just been me all along?
there are no memory gaps I remember everything (mostly)
I am aware that I am one person
and how could "they" have ever appeared? there is no explanation
I am the original, I have to be the original, this is MY life
it scares me how easily i can play into the idea
there is no "other me"
let's just agree to leave it alone for now and think about it later, we don't have to address this right now
MAR. 23, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #aesthetic
new edit pfp (,,>﹏<,,)
i want to know who the artist is, their art is nice
MAR. 23, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
fiction is an essential human need, i'm thankful that fiction exists
croquis
MAR. 23, 2026 + #sketchbook
MAR. 23, 2026 + #asexual
MAR. 22, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural
update the guilt is starting to set in
it's really still not so bad but
i thought the redness/swelling would go down more but it's really obvious
also it's worse now i did more......
i don't even know what's gotten into me
if he asks questions i don't know how to answer
i really don't want to make him feel bad
i also don't want this to be a bigger deal than it is
please don't be mad at me
please be gentle with me
i won't go too far......
this was really impulsive of me still
but it's already done i can't magically make it disappear now
i honestly feel bad but it's like something possessed me all of the sudden
wtf
and i can't promise i won't do it again
honestly
MAR. 22, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural
actually maybe i should stop
i'm not blaming it on our cats that's not fair to them
i hope he doesn't get mad at me :(
maybe i should just take it easy for today and see how it goes
i mean it's really not that bad i barely broke skin but
it's pretty obvious that it's self-inflicted
plus this is very out of character for me
......
MAR. 22, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural
update it's 2 hours later and now i kinda wanna go again
i can go deeper i promise
MAR. 22, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural
update it's an hour later and i feel nauseous
why am i like this i lost like 2 drops of blood lol
MAR. 22, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural #yugioh
......
in all my self destructive 25 years of life i have never partaken in this cutting activity until now
i see why people do it now, it's pretty satisfying to see the marks afterward
like yes, RESPOND TO MY PAIN
BLEED
i kind of want to go further but my logical side is like
this is enough for now
you should chill out and remember you're hemophobic and bound to pass out
let's just wait and see how fast the cat scratches heal and then we can try again
also the texture of the razor is interesting being serrated, kind of pulls on my skin and i'm not sure if i like that or not
it kind of bites?
now that i'm looking at the pictures they're so tiny lol most of it is just my skin being swollen from not breaking completely
i have to be more decisive and go deeper next time to get a cleaner cut
i kind of like this though, it's relaxing, it requires hyperfixation
it's interesting to feel a dopamine hit like i don't understand but alright
maybe it's the release of pent-up tension
since i've been thinking about it for awhile and imagining the marks on myself - it's like a manifestation?
maybe it's the feeling of accomplishment afterward because you can physically see what happened
like if i can cut myself then i can do anything right?
nothing is impossible now ♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.
vibes
MAR. 22, 2026 + #aesthetic
MAR. 22, 2026 + #jirai #sh #plural #yugioh #notebook
......
yesterday i had a bit of an existential crisisbasically i had a really short unproductive day
i went to work, went outside in the dreary weather and chain-smoked, went spinning for exercise
i wrote some blog posts for here and then suddenly an overwhelming tiredness overcame my entire being
i put my head down on the desk and just lay there feeling too exhausted to do anything
like physically all my energy had just left my body
probably from the combination of smoking too many cigarettes, cardio, and not eating anything
i knew i was fine and i wasn't probably going to have a heart attack or anything but
i opened my eyes and saw the yami + yugi plushies i have at my desk
and i kind of disconnected from myself for a long moment
psychologically i am yami
but i also recognize that yami is yami, me is me
it got me to thinking, we are connected, but if i view each of us separately......
would i want to inflict upon yami what i inflict upon myself?
like all these self destructive bursts, would i do that to yami?
absolutely not
same as i wouldn't wish any of my actions to myself upon anyone else i care about
if yami could interact i'm guessing he wouldn't wish that upon me either
(why do these sentences sound like a yumeshipping scenario lol)
yet i'm sure yami would 100% do the same thing in my place to himself
i guess i can't really help it
in yugioh terminology, we both are almost too easily willing to risk our "life points"
i do see it that way, "life points" are expendable, the easiest thing to gamble away first
but of course i would never treat my friends the same way as i treat myself, i only do that
because i know how many "life points" i have left and i can control how i use myself in stakes
i can't help but see myself as a tool, a means to an end
but yet i look with admiration to yami, my fictionkin
is that similar to having self-love?
self-love is a difficult concept for me
what if i detached myself from who i am and looked from the outside, would i feel love or any positive emotion at all?
is it only because i'm the one in this body that i act so hatefully toward myself?
if i changed my perspective and became "not myself" would i be in good esteem?
anyway, it made me think, maybe i need to stop doing things like this to myself
i wouldn't do this to yami so why would i do it to myself
i wouldn't want yami to smoke way too many cigs, eat nothing all day, then do hard exercise and pass out, unable to do anything for the rest of the day
i wouldn't wish that upon him, so why am i so okay with doing this to myself?
like i can't even pick up a damn pencil to draw right now, this is just pathetic to watch from the outside
and i literally did this to myself
and i know if i got lung cancer from my choices i would refuse medical treatment
makes me think i should get into cutting, then at least i wouldn't be at risk of getting fucking lung cancer
i thought twice about binge smoking and i still fucking did it
like hmmm yeah there's a chance you're going to pass out later for sure
even though i knew i'd probably regret it later
now i don't even regret it, i just feel sad honestly
my body is crying, it wants me to stop
but i'm not listening, i'm just putting its mortality through hell constantly
i'm so fucking toxic to myself
anyway i ended up falling asleep in my chair facedown on the desk and woke up later with my entire body hurting
put away my things and went to bed at 5 pm, complete waste of my day thanks to my inability to properly take care of myself
MAR. 21, 2026 + #jirai
lowkey get jealous when my partner spends a lot of time playing games with his friends, i see him having so much fun + i wish he had that much fun with me
MAR. 21, 2026 + #notebook
jokes aside, arson is cowardly, lazy, or passive...... like if you hate something enough to destroy it, couldn't you at least make more of a personal effort?
MAR. 21, 2026 + #yugioh #meme
MAR. 21, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
after the rain, i went outside and chain-smoked
it was a perfect divine moment
i feel light as a feather
MAR. 20, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
high on cortisol, need to sleep
MAR. 20, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #meme
MAR. 20, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
holy hell i really just spent multiple hours crafting this highly detailed wall of text yugioh analysis post
help
also i lost almost 20 lbs and so i had a few more slices of pizza tonight
and i feel
so nauseous
I DONT FEEL GOOD
......
i feel disgusting every time after i indulge myself a littlewhat have i done to deserve this?? no you haven't done enough
you need to lock in
MAR. 20, 2026 + #yugioh
somehow i came across this (spoiler alerts)
hmmm this is interesting
i think it's cool and kinda crazy people do these super in-depth analyses of characters, i always enjoy reading fan theories
(also i didn't know Kazuki Takahashi announced bdays what? i was not tracking this????? is this an excuse to make fanart??)
thoughts
summarizing my thoughts/takes since i'm a yami fictionkin + i've deep dived into basically all of Kazuki Takahashi's contentzodiac: gemini ...... i'm a pisces, i don't know much about geminis but i think he picked gemini to represent both yugis right?
so it's not necessarily exclusive to either
honestly quite a few things seem arbitrary
for example, i think the height, weight, and food preferences are all guestimates, they seem legit but as far as i'm aware they are approximations
i think a lot of fans do this with their favorite characters so that they can visualize them irl more
that's not a new thing
to be fair i think falafel is a solid choice, falafel is undoubtedly tasty
(who doesn't like falafel??!)
also i'd have to say disliking fish roe is fair as well, i don't dislike but i'm not a huge fan personally
i don't really have any strong food dislikes except like... oysters and stalky vegetables that are hard to eat
also favorite color being purple and warm colors like red, is that just because of his eye color/hair lol?
i mean purple and warm colors are nice but
he has shown a preference obviously for black and a generally dark color palette, at least in his fashion choices, that is canon
yugi likes more colorful things while yami prefers an overall dark palette
as for me, it's hard for me to decide on a favorite color, black seems like a good choice honestly because it's an easy color to like, it's very neutral and it's classic
i can see yami also having an opinion like this, just wanting to keep things simple and classic
unrelated to color, with his fashion choices he tends to like items with interesting/luxe materials, probably related to being a pharaoh and that sort of conditioning
meanwhile yugi likes to be a little more fun with accessories (see his anzu date outfit he picked out lol)
yami would prefer to wear a more simple outfit with a few high quality items
which i can relate to, i'd rather wear something simple that's a nice materialgoing off topic a bit also, in the millenium world arc at the beginning when he has culture shock going back to being a pharaoh, he acts really overwhelmed
i can't help but wonder if all that jewelry is overstimulating because i sure would be overstimulated by all that
yami seems genuinely more comfortable in his modern fits lol, like you can TELL he's feeling himself
blood type: A ...... idk my own blood type but sounds legit:"While outwardly calm, they have such high standards (perfectionists) that they tend to be balls of nerves on the inside. Type A’s are the most artistic of the blood groups. They can be shy, are conscientious, trustworthy, and sensitive."
yeah i can see this, especially the "balls of nerves on the inside" part lol
"Type A (Best Traits: Earnest, sensible, reserved, patient, responsible, quiet, mature, loyal, calm, strict, reliable.
Worst Traits: Fastidious, unsocial, stubborn, tense, perfectionist, skeptical)" yeah that's true
FASTIDIOUS is a great descriptor yep...... also all the rest of the "worst traits"......
uhh i'm going to be honest idk how to read the character analysis chart with the numbers so i'm skipping that
uhhh
"Fire Types are all about passion. When they want something, they go for it all-out. Unfortunately, sometimes they tend to burn themselves out as well by pressing TOO hard. They may be great at getting things done, but it’s gonna be on their schedule and no one else’s."
YES this is true...... especially the "on their schedule and no one else's" part
and also the burnout part (i am especially feeling that part currently)
the background story part...... yeah this sums it up, season 0 yami is very unstable, this is understandable because he just spent like 3,000 years trapped in a puzzle with an evil spirit like yeah that makes sense no wonder he exhibits cptsd type traits
also imagine just having no grip on reality like i know there's theories that yami actually thought he was yugi in the beginning ("my grandpa" type stuff), this is definitely understandable as his memories were wiped and he had never uhh inhabited someone else's body before so uhhh yeah
"Often referred to as Yami Yugi, his assertive, fierce and commanding personality is a stark contrast to his host’s, giving off the aura of a leader."
definitely not how i see myself, yami's way cooler than me that's all him
"It seems he can be quite oblivious about romantic advances unless they are blatantly obvious."
uhhh yeah haha
skipping ahead a little to touch base on this, i saw that this blog post has the headcanon that yami is pansexual
i disagree, based on canon events/behavior he seems to be more so on the ace spectrum
when you see him interacting with any "friends" in the series, he is generally polite and well-meaning but there is no obvious attraction he expresses
compare this with yugi who is VERY clearly attracted to women (see manga interactions with anzu and mai)
yami might be a romantic but not a sexual person, that's just my take BUT ALSO manga supportedhe appreciates having emotional connections with others (aibou!) but doesn't really behave in a sexually charged way, at least not explicitly in any canon events
but people can think what they want
i myself am on the ace spectrum, i think probably panromantic asexual
so personally that's just how i interpret yami since i see a lot of my own behaviors in him too
like for example i also like to emotionally connect with people but i'm pretty oblivious about like physical attraction/advances
"Despite his serious demeanor, he doesn’t shy away from jokes, even friendly teasing Yugi and the others at times."
YEAH i agree!!!!!!!! he's actually so goofy, i get this so much
one major example off the top of my head is the manga scene where he hides in the palace pots as a kid
also, have you noticed the insane amount of times he says "hehe"
it's great
he literally has a sense of humor, some people just don't get it and think he's always super serious......i can relate because sometimes i'll be joking and people don't get my teasing i'm glad someone else sees it though
"He can be blunt and selfish, early on even downright cruel and unforgiving, needing to be taught kindness and compassion from Yugi. While he has a high self-esteem, this can falter, showing vulnerability underneath."
yeah......
i feel this, i've been told i can be pretty cold, it's only thanks to nice people that i became more self-aware that maybe i should soften up
also the part about self-esteem and vulnerability, i fluctuate between feeling very capable/high-achieving and then just feeling so weak, it's awful
i'll be like regularly reliving the story of icarus
big example here (off the top of my head) where yami displays this is his duel with mai in duelist kingdom, there's also a lot more micro examples throughout his duels where he starts to self-doubt
"The more he remembers about his past, the more he breaks away from the “yugi alter ego”, forming his own identity once more…"
this is interesting, yeah it's canonically true, you can see this as the manga develops
he starts more so as a blank slate who's just super mentally unstable (understandably)
and then he starts to figure out what actually defines him later
relatable because it's easy to "become someone's alter ego," especially in relationships, you start to just self-identify as "their partner"
i find that it's easy to just not care about myself and my own identity because i get so absorbed in "being the perfect person" for that partner
i really appreciate that yami acknowledges this and makes the decision to start to go his own way, it's a naturally healthy step
skipping back down to the blog writer's headcanons now......
"He shares Yugi’s love for cats." wait what?
uhh i was not tracking he liked cats
but i mean who doesn't, they're cute
as a kid i liked cats way more, i still think they're cute now (and i have 3 because of my partner!) but i actually feel like i'm really bad at taking care of other living creatures...
i'm more of a plant person really i don't really like taking care of animals unfortunately
canonically i can't find examples showing yami liking cats, if he does, it's most likely because yugi likes cats (dsod movie scene, right?) and not out of a personal preference
which uhh is relatable for me, since the main reason we have cats is because of my partner
"He would never wear a mummy costume during Halloween, but doesn’t have problems with others doing it." whaa
i mean yeah i can see this
yami's pretty unbothered by most stuff other people would consider as weird
i relate, we're both able to handle "weird" stuff pretty gracefully
like i don't really have a problem with other people doing what they want, i just don't want to be forced to do stuff
also interesting note, the only time yami generally shows an explicit phobia is with scenes of the undead, for good reason (see the season 0 era duel with shadi, also i think this happened in the bakura duel later too?)
i digress but also that particular note makes the scene with yami's father more poignant, he is unbothered because his feeling of love for his father exceeds his dislike of the macabre
"Yami Yugi has different views on certain aspects of society, some being quite controversial by modern standards. Polygamy, one thing that is considered controversial, is something he has considered at times. Atem is definitely into polygamy. (This headcanon only applies when both RPers agree)."
i'm aware this is for RP purposes but canonically (and fictionkin) speaking i hard disagree
he does have controversial views for sure, he's not afraid to have hot takes
but polygamy i really don't think so, there's no sign of that in canon according to the manga
people might see him as down with polygamy because he doesn't say no to interactions really, but that's more so because he's polite and conscientious of others
not because he wants to have multiple intimate relationships
personally because i kin with yami i feel an understanding of his behaviors
it's not really that he wants to be close with many others, he'd rather be very close with a single person (aibou!)
also, even though he doesn't explicitly act out of jealousy in the manga, some of his behaviors could be read as jealous, like how protective he is of his aibou
and he certainly behaves differently around aibou than anyone else, that is especially clear
there is a clear distinction between "aibou" and "friends"
"In postcanon, Yami embraces both past and future by taking on both names."
yeah i can see this
he doesn't really show a strong preference for a personal name, he kind of just goes with whatever
canonically a good example of this is when he does discover his name is atem, he tells the others to just keep calling him "yugi" because it's easier for them
i relate because i personally don't see my own name as important and i'm perfectly fine with being called most anything (as long as it's respectful of course)
i don't really see names as important as other people see them for myself
like yami i've gone by a lot of different names/aliases over the years and it all feels kind of meaningless to me
the only names that feel more meaningful are the names people i care about have given me, just like how yami sees "other me" and "yugi"
"Yami likes, even really needs, physical contact. After thousands of years as an intangible spirit, he wants to “feel” again. However, he does not initiate contact until he knows the other person is comfortable with it. He’s also not open about this particular need as he does not want to embarass himself or others."
HAHAH
ok yes and no
this makes sense from a fan analysis because yes he was stuck in a puzzle and a lonely boii
also i just have to put this here
but keep in mind this isn't canon hehehe seems to like physical contact in a gentle/affectionate way because there is a lot of gentle touch with aibou especially, there's also some times in the manga where he helps support others through touch (like anzu when she passes out lol)
i think there's a difference though, maybe i'm seeing through clouded puzzleshipping lens but i don't think so - touch with aibou is different
the only time he initiates with other people is because they are literally physically ill and need help so he's trying to help
with aibou there's tons of cases where it wasn't "needed" but he initiated contact with aibou as affection, primarily at emotional moments hehe
hey i'm not wrong !
i can pull up the receipts if you're doubting
with that said, i personally see physical touch as more of an emotional concept as well
but since i'm mysophobic and i have issues i really will only want to be touched by one person and that's my partner who i trust
another thing i can agree with yami on is i want to be the one who initiates and not vice versa, i feel violated when someone touches me without me initiating first
this is up to interpretation, but every time someone initiates physical contact (besides aibou) with him he seems surprised
from my perspective it seems like he's uncomfortable (also, season 0 anzu date hello? here he is obviously uncomfortable)
but again, like me, he's trying to be considerate so he doesn't just say "no"as for the part about yami's voice, i don't really see his voice as set on any certain voice, when i was reading the manga i kind of alternated between the different voices depending on the scene haha
or sometimes no voice really was in my head at all
honestly i think all the VAs for yami are great though and have unique takes
Megumi Ogata's version really appeals to me since it's more gentle and smooth which fits yami in certain dialogues/aspects
Shunsuke Kazama's version bothered me actually at first since he has a tendency to yell a lot haha, but it grew on me over time, i think it's more suitable in specific moments like during duels, climactic/emotionally charged moments, etc.
also Dan Green's version is iconic, since i don't speak japanese and english is my native language of course i appreciate the english voice acting, also Dan Green is really able to give yami a very mature sound, he sounds very sure of himself, etc.
speaking "canonically," Kazuki Takahashi was probably more influenced by the japanese voice actress and voice actor of course
"When he has a body of his own, he jogs every morning and does several other workouts to stay in shape. Because cold winters make him unable to work out, others tease him for the bit of “babyfat” that becomes visible during these months. Don’t tease him about it! Or maybe you should? ;)" WHAT
i'm kind of embarrassed reading this lmao
i actually do exercise but i mostly hate exercising and just see it as a necessary evil
also yes i hate having "babyfat" i will cry if someone mentions this
from a strictly "canon" perspective, uhh there's no mention of yami and exercise lol, just memes and theories
ALTHOUGH it is clear he gets hot easily, he is almost always taking off that jacket lol
"Yami Yugi has agoraphobia" agreed
i have agoraphobia for sure as well, it sure seems that yami does as well by his behavior, also it makes sense that yami does canonically
also this isn't canon but that one outro in the DM anime gives agoraphobia type vibes, just a fun little detail
"He copes by... having tunnel vision" yeah that's true, he definitely hyperfixates on whatever he's currently doing"Yami is exceptionally capable of masking his anxiety, but when he is unable to cope, he will try to retreat and give control to Yugi." YEAH LOL
there's so many examples of yami "retreating" in the manga it's not hard to find examples
honestly wish i could do that :(
i get exhaustion a lot from interacting with others and just being overstimulated in general and that's how i see yami "retreating" as well, he just seems understandably really exhausted
"If there is anything Yami has less knowledge about than Yugi, it’s smut, at least modern-time variants of it. Innuendo jokes tend to get over his head. This doesn’t mean he can’t be cheeky, though! ;)" hey now!
ok i mean canonically that's probably correct as it doesn't really show him having any errr "experience"
let me just tell you i am very aware, but also...... ace spectrum so there's that complication
"The pharaoh is often compared to a cat. Moody, graceful, even letting out sounds similar to a purr when comfortable with someone. Calling him a “cat pharaoh” will fluster him." WHAT
HEY this is a stretch !! noooo purring (except maybe if someone thinks it's funny... like aibou)
"Yami Yugi’s texting and online chat responses are very elaborate and grammatically correct. If he’s furious or particularly passionate about a subject (example: Duel Monsters), he writes his response in all-caps. He only uses emojis when chatting with Yugi, and even then it’s done somewhat sparingly."
mmmm i mean, perhaps
canonically there's just nothing here this is all conjecture
speaking for me personally, as you can tell i text quite casually but i like to be grammatically correct (but the lowercase because capitalizing everything is just ehhh)
although i can definitely see him going on elaborate tangents about stuff he's passionate about, he does so during duels especially in the manga haha
i also tend to rant about stuff i feel strongly about and i do admit to using all caps sometimes but usually to express my extreme emotion (usually anger) about something
also i use kaomojis and emojis more with people but maybe that's more of a girly habit, but i will say there's some emotes i only use with people i'm close to (like my partner)
"Unlike Yugi, Yami Yugi has no distinct accent when speaking English. Atem, on the other hand, has a light accent as he speaks Coptic." eh idk
again nothing really here in canon to confirm, it's up to your imagination
in the anime adaptation he obviously has accented english but that's because of the japanese voice acting
i can see him being quick to pick up languages though, he's a quick learner and a perfectionist
i'm also a polyglot and i can learn language stuff relatively quickly (while my math is awful)
"While Yugi has a distinct real (“honne”) and public (“tatemae”) opinion, Yami’s opinion tends to be both real and public. As a result, he tends to sound brash, not wanting to sugarcoat things. If he dislikes someone, he will let that person know right away. The only times Yami sugarcoats his opinions is towards Yugi, as he’s generally very gentle towards the other."
yeahh this is 100% accurate
i definitely concur
i'm very aware thanks to people letting me know in both nice and not so nice ways that i am very frank and brusque
however if i really care about someone intimately, like my partner, of course i want to be more protective of them and more sweet to show my love (however honestly i can still have brusque tendencies)
of course again these opinions are all from my viewpoint, as well as me pointing out stuff from the manga
if anyone else got this far into reading my analysis of this other analysis uhh
remember it's fiction, it's up to your own interpretation
when an author like Kazuki Takahashi writes a character, he obviously intends for the character to be open to multiple interpretations
as someone who also writes/creates characters i always enjoy hearing other people's takes
MAR. 20, 2026 + #jirai
MAR. 20, 2026 + #jirai
i relate to these posts so much
MAR. 19, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
MAR. 19, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
i really want to give up but i know it's not time for that yet
MAR. 19, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
unveil the facade of reality
MAR. 19, 2026 + #jirai #sui #notebook
when i die i want my body to be cremated and put in a pretty urn
and i don't want my remains to be in the possession of anyone, i just want them to sit peacefully in a nice place, maybe a temple or something with a pretty view
also don't hold a funeral for me, don't waste the money and time, i'd just like to be remembered every once in awhile yknow
i'd rather you take a look at the things i created when i was living, i'm essentially spinning my life force away into my creations
in reality i live more so in my creations than i do in reality
MAR. 19, 2026 + #jirai #sketchbook
MAR. 19, 2026 + #yugioh #sketchbook
MAR. 18, 2026 + #jirai #aesthetic
i spent the day hammering nails into the wall, it was fun
MAR. 18, 2026 + #sketchbook
i drew this nearly a lustrum ago and never finished, just found it in a box
guns and mechanical things are fun to draw because they use a lot of logical lines and curves
MAR. 18, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh #aesthetic #sketchbook
purikura style pfp i made ദി(๑>⩊ ◜๑)✧
MAR. 18, 2026 + #jirai
MAR. 18, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
MAR. 17, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
when you're so tired your entire personality just disappears
MAR. 17, 2026 + #jirai #notebook #yugioh
the pain is over, it's time to fall asleep
complicated jirai thoughts
MAR. 17, 2026 + #jirai #notebook
......
2026 is a really hard year so fari feel so entirely overstimulated by everything
meanwhile i feel like my life is on a timer for 2027
i keep telling myself i just need to survive this year and it will get better
but damn
the pressure just keeps increasing
there's new demands every day and i'm struggling to keep up
everyone just keeps telling me more things i should do
without a second thought as to how
i've already been falling behind for awhile now
i've been dragging myself through the mud just trying to survive
of course no wonder i'm on the search for new coping mechanisms
i'm extremely stressed
my mysophobic and hikikomori side keeps getting more extreme it's debilitating my life
and i'm fighting so hard to hide that
but i really don't want my habits to change, i just want the world to be more accommodating honestly
i want to be able to not feel ashamed for how abnormal i am
solitude is the only place that's comfortable
undoubtedly being active in the jirai communities has spiked my errr "jirai" more
but there's no way i'm going to stop engaging with the jirai space
especially when i see everyone else struggling as well
and it's like, once i'm aware of other jirais struggling, how can i turn a blind eye and just forget about all that?
there's no way
subconsciously i know it's super inflammatory for me because i'm an empath
and a part of me feels like i need to feel other's suffering as well
like if they are struggling, i should understand that, right?
even if i can't directly help/interfere, at least i can share some of their pain
anyway, there's still no way i'm leaving the jirai space anytime soon
even if it means causing myself more pain?
the only purpose i really feel is the need to help carry those who are suffering (on imaginary wings)
otherwise i'll just rot away in obscurity and everything i've done and experienced will amount to nothing
i would just be another life lost in mediocrity
at least in the jirai space i have some abstract meaning, like my suffering wasn't for nothing
i'd rather people be horrified at how chaotic, mentally ill, and tragic i am
than just continue living under a mask pretending that everything's fine and there's no ups and downs
at least i can feel something rather than just empty numbness
though nights like these i'll be begging for numbness
but i don't think that's what i really want at all
i just want to feel something meaningful
MAR. 17, 2026 + #jirai #yugioh
me when people try to engage me in coherent conversation at 4 am
૮꒰ ˃̣̣̥ ◠ ˂̣̣̥ ꒱ა
MAR. 16, 2026 + #yugioh
he wanted someone to come for him
MAR. 16, 2026 + #yugioh #aesthetic
MAR. 16, 2026 + #yugioh #library
MAR. 16, 2026 + #jirai #sh #notebook #yugioh
......
self harm because then i can pretend i'm in control of my suffering
MAR. 15, 2026 + #jirai #sa #mysophobia #notebook
i want an angel to hold me
i want to be held gentlyand not in a possessive or lustful way
but humans are filthy
so maybe i'd like an angel to hold me
MAR. 14, 2026 + #yugioh #jirai #notebook
yugioh and my gender?
yugioh made me contemplate genderit's really rare that i like male characters at all
but it hit me like a bunch of bricks, yami is literally me
i was a yugioh fan as a kid but at the time i really was just into the cool dragons and i didn't really get the overall plot/story/nuancesi've had a lot of fun rediscovering the series as an adult, like there's so much i would have never realized
but anyway yeah, as an adult i see myself in yami
which is unexpected as i present myself/identify as quite hyperfemme
usually i'm pretty turned off by male characters like i can't really relate at all, perhaps that's connected to my trauma as well since it's mostly directed at ♂
but i don't feel anything like that with yugioh which is strange and comforting
it makes me wonder though, i obviously present myself quite differently from yami despite kinning, and it made me wonder why exactly that is
the most obvious answer is societal expectations
as a kid i was much bossier and had more "aggressive" tendencies
i literally forced my brother to play my games and i would tell him word for word what he was supposed to do...... lol
secretly i'm still that kid, at the end of the day i'm stubborn and selfish, i want everything to be my waybut of course as i grew up i was taught that's not okay, i should be more gentle and flexible
how much of that conditioning is gender identity related?
it makes me wonder, if i was a guy, would that have gone differently?
would i have been conditioned somewhat differently?
for example, as a guy, would it have been more so okay to act in a dominant manner but i would just have to present my dominance slightly differently?
as a girl i feel like it's "bad" to present dominance/"aggression"
it affects how i communicate and present myself, i'm constantly having to second guess what i say/do to make sure i'm not offending anyone or "being a bitch"
and of course i could be very authentic and come across as highly dom but lowkey people fetishize girls like that
like can i just be myself and say what i want dammit
it's actually excruciating
makes me wonder if i was a guy, would people actually take what i say seriously and not just be like awww that's cute you're so funny !!
like ahahahahahahah i wasn't actually joking/trying to be cute i was actually deadass serious
but i also have no desire to be a guy, like bodily its just ewww no thank you i like my girl body
also imagining being a guy, there's so much toxic masculinity like i don't know if i could deal with that
circling back to yugioh
yami kinda made me question myself because like
i feel like him
but i also was kind of confused like is he my oshi??
would it be weird to oshi someone i fictionkin loli want to be able to express myself more freely like him
because like deep down i am very certain of myself
but i'm always masking to lower tensions
of course yami's not always "in the right" since he also is problematic quite a lot
hmmm i dunno i want to be more like him he's such an icon
what would happen if i stopped softening the blows and just said what i want to say, do what i want to do?
(i would be a "bitch" right?)
but no when yami tells you what he honestly thinks he's
"cool" and "alpha"
B★RS croquis
MAR. 14, 2026 + #sketchbook
MAR. 14, 2026 + #yugioh #meme
i was watching a puzzleshipping amv and then our power went out for 24 hrs
birthday
MAR. 13, 2026 + #yugioh #meme
woah i'm 25 now i guess?
MAR. 12, 2026 + #jirai #hikikomori #yugioh
kinda just wanna take pain meds and sleep for 12+ hours
MAR. 12, 2026 + #jirai #hikikomori #yugioh
me being a well-adjusted contributing member of society mission impossible
MAR. 12, 2026 + #jirai #nso
i struggle to distinguish whats logic/reason and whats my mental illness
MAR. 12, 2026 + #jirai #mysophobia #sa
......
why am i so unbearably disgusting i am disgusted at myselfevery time i have to perceive myself
like ew why did i say/do that
how did i ever even think that was a good idea
how can i even feel an ounce of self respect
delete it all burn it all
MAR. 12, 2026 + #jirai
my body feels like it's deteriorating
......
surely it's not from the aggressive weight loss and exercise, surely noteverything hurts
MAR. 10, 2026 + #yugioh
yami fictionkin except i'm a cornball loser with no rizz
MAR. 9, 2026 + #music
obsessed with "fake everything" ♪
I FINISHED YUGIOH ♡
MAR. 8, 2026 + #yugioh
thoughts
crying...... my feelings are complex about this ending. this is the "correct" ending, it makes the most sense. i always hate "happy endings" when they feel like fan service, i can't suspend disbelief. so, i really love this ending. but i also feel so sad and empty. atem knew that he had to move on, and so did yugi...... in the short term throughout the series, atem helped yugi a lot. but in the long term he was doing more harm than good, and he knew that... he knew that if he kept being an alter inside yugi he could've fucked up yugi's life - still it just broke me when atem had no hesitation at the end, he just walked through that door to the afterlife and he wouldn't even have looked back if jonouchi hadn't called out to him :(he completely knew what he had to do
i relate to atem because i also feel like that, i feel like in the short term i'm able to be helpful to others, and others say that they like me, but in the long term i just see i'm irreversibly ruining lives. atem feels like a "leech" in yugi's body in the same way i feel like a "leech" to those close to me. it makes me wonder, when is the right time to just walk away for their own good? of course people are going to tell you not to leave because they don't want their words to be the reason you leave - so it's ultimately your action, right?
also i can't help but feel like the ending is a euphemism for suicide, that's probably really fucked up of me to think like that, and it wouldn't be the first time i've thought an ending was a euphemism for suicide (@ the tale of the princess kaguya)
especially the dialogue between anzu and jonouchi when atem is walking away:
"you need to go to the other side of that light... i know that... but... once you go through, you can never come back! why? i don't get it! we've been friends for so long, now all of the sudden... you're going to leave?! i just don't get it!"
"anzu! you don't need to get it... you just need to accept it, y'know? and burn these memories into your brain! the time you've spent with him... the feelings... burn it in so you never forget!!"
atem i will not forget you, you live on in my heart ♡
MAR. 8, 2026 + #aesthetic #music
MAR. 8, 2026 + #yugioh #jirai
yu✩gi✩oh is so jirai coded, trust
(⁄⁄>⁄▽⁄<⁄⁄)♡
MAR. 7, 2026 + #meme #jirai
MAR. 5, 2026 + #yugioh #aesthetic
FEB. 28, 2026 + #sketchbook #yugioh
yu✩gi✩oh was a horror manga!
FEB. 27, 2026 + #yugioh
MIND CRUSH!!!!!!
FEB. 27, 2026 + #yugioh
FEB. 27, 2026 + #sketchbook #yugioh
FEB. 25, 2026 + #jirai #hikikomori #yugioh
literally me irl
FEB. 22, 2026
this past week just consisted of being yugioh pilled and it was great
FEB. 17, 2026 + #yugioh
although i do not consider this entire filler arc canon, i do accept this reaction as canon
FEB. 17, 2026 + #yugioh #meme
FEB. 14, 2026 + #jirai
𐙚( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;)
FEB. 14, 2026 + #makeup #food
UNDERWATER KNEE-HIGH GIRLS
FEB. 11, 2026 + #library
DUEL ART
FEB. 10, 2026 + #yugioh #library
autoerotic asphyxiation
FEB. 6, 2026 + #yugioh
"ha ha", indeed.
FEB. 4, 2026 + #yugioh
i'm perfectly fine !!
FEB. 4, 2026 + #jirai
FEB. 4, 2026 + #jirai #sa
POKII ₊˚⊹♡. ݁
FEB. 3, 2026 + #yugioh
me coded interaction
FEB. 1, 2026 + #yugioh #jirai #mysophobia
fcking hate it when ppl touch my shi
cute
JAN. 31, 2026 + #yugioh
starting the yu✩gi✩oh manga!
JAN. 30, 2026 + #yugioh
SLIFER THE SKY DRAGON オシリスの天空竜
JAN. 28, 2026 + #yugioh #aesthetic
JAN. 28, 2026 + #yugioh
JAN. 28, 2026 + #yugioh
JAN. 21, 2026 + #meme #jirai
JAN. 15, 2026 + #meme #jirai
JAN. 13, 2026 + #yugioh #meme
(╥ ᴗ ╥)
JAN. 12, 2026 + #jirai
JAN. 9, 2026 + #meme #yugioh
₍^. .^₎⟆
JAN. 9, 2026 + #meme #yugioh
JAN. 9, 2026 + #meme #yugioh
